Citation: Asante. "God is Love: An Experience with Methoxetamine (exp103680)". Erowid.org. Jan 7, 2017. erowid.org/exp/103680
WARNING: The following trip report may be found offensive to some, with all my heart, I solemnly apologize for that.
Methoxetamine -- GOD IS LOVE (may be offensive to some)
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8
Two major changes had occurred, firstly I decided to park my methoxetamine stash at the homes of several friends with the instruction to supply me twice a month with a 0.5 gr quantity, which has worked brilliantly and painlessly to curb my rising use of the drug, and secondly I switched from oral use to rectal use.
3 days ago I received my mid-month portion and I went ahead and started off with 30mg intrarectally. I dissolved 30mg in 2ml hot tap water, sucked it into a 10ml needleless syringe, capped it, buttered the syringe, asked for blessings, did my ritual and squirted it up my rectum lying on my left side in bed, then quickly got up and sat down in my living room downstairs.
Earlier that day I had been the sitter of a lady friend's ayahuasca ceremony, which consisted of projecting positive energies on her, facilitating her need to speak what needed be spoken, be a comforting presence and be ready to rinse her puke buckets if vomiting occurred, which oddly it didn't, resulting in me having spent 5 hours idling in a darkened room and in part thinking of my MXE session to be.
At the age of about 6 I was raped by my grandfather, a misdeed he had done a generation earlier with his own daughter. I was a grandson, but I was available and he opportunistically took advantage of the situation in the toolshed behind his house. Because of this deed and other abuses suffered at the hands of other people, I never could bear to be intimate with anyone. As a consequence of that I grew up to become a 41 year old virgin, unable to share intimacy. It even took many high dose MDMA sessions before I could even hug my best friends, it was that bad. This needs be said to better understand the following trip report.
The Topic of the intended binge, which I had 550mg Methoxetamine for and for which I started off rectally administering 30mg was to be this rape and the subsequent inability to share intimacy.
This first dose laid it out sublimely in spades, I relived the whole thing and other forms of childhood abuse such as school bullying which added to my detachment from my peers and to being at odds with everyone, in my mind and reflected in the behavior of outsiders.
I took the plunge for 15 more mg rectally half an hour in and it synergized greatly.
Then after an hour and a half I took the plunge for 30 more mg rectally.
I exploded in great anxiety and worrisome cardiac effects. It was too much, too wild, too sudden. I fought down the bad trip and idled my time away in Second Life chatting to friends, admitting to some I was 'intoxicated by rectal Angel Dust' which was sort of true and led to the predictable recoil of surprise and disbelief. At the end I went to bed.
The other morning I woke very early. When I binge on MXE I always get ejected out of bed after about 5 hours, and I usually rub the sleep out of my eyes, drink some water, have a banana and take breakfast MXE. Its a very MXE thing to do and early morning MXE is often the best.
Not THAT morning! 20mg, three times rectally to great effect, again about the rape, then 25mg and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I had counted on tolerance from the day before eliminating my high MXE sensitivity but it was not the case.
I got way higher than I should have been, beyond the Hole into pure anxiety and mayhem with frightening heart palpitations. I went to lie in bed to ease what I knew I had, a raging panic attack of death anxiety in a way too strong trip.
I decided I had been wrong about rectal MXE use: Its great for one dose- one trip. 30-40mg up the butt and bang, a full experience like the day earlier. Rectal MXE just isn't for repeat dosing. It is too fast, to furious, Im not 21 I'm 41, I have to take it slower in life. I vowed to abort all plans to trip that day and just see what happened.
That evening at about 19:00 PM my Higher Self with whom I have very intensive and explicit dialogue especially when under the influence of methoxetamine, told me that I had green light to go for 30mg oral MXE, that if it would be fine if I erred on the side of caution but that it had great things to show me.
It told me that my bad trips were administered by him to me to block the path of rectal binge use out of pure love, that it was time to put the buttered syringe away and return to oral use, and that the proof of that pudding would lie in taking oral MXE that evening and have not a single scrap of bad trip or palpitations occur.
That was a pretty he-man promise to be making while I still felt like shit after 6 hours, and one I would put to the challenge by embarking on oral MXE, 30mg dose after dose with 1 hour intervals.
Indeed, not a single heart pang or bad trip effect occurred. My malaise was wiped away. I had profoundly peaceful experiences that became evermore epic as the night progressed, during which 6x 30mg = 180mg went down the hatch with not a whisper of ill effects.
My time of riding anal rockets was over. I'm back to oral use, with the occasional anal 30mg to kickstart a binge or provide a '21 gun salute' at the end of one, and perhaps in the future as single dose sessions, but no longer dose after dose rectally.
At the end of that evening I had humongous synesthesia of everything. Sight, street noises and my humming fridge, the smell of incense burnt on my altar, my thoughts, experiences and sensations just melded into one, and All was One, One was God, and God was Me. Total peace and Oneness.
Thats how I went to sleep that night, molten into an alloy with the Universe.
That morning, this morning, I awoke after 5 hours at like 7:10AM. I had spilled some, 205mg MXE remained in the vial. I knew just what was for brekkie and lunch! carrying on my 30mg oral odyssey it was, with body and mind, spirit and soul.
At the second dose I was overcome with a pure Whiteness behind my eyelids. Everything bathed in white light of great brightness. It became unspeakably intense yet I knew it was OK now, something Big was going to happen. I am an Animist and I could tell the signs, I was going to meet with a Spirit.
It was the Spirit of Love, I could say Goddess of Love because it manifested as a young female presence, but that term has been abused too much, Spirit of Love it was.
She interacted with me. Asked me whether it could live in my heart. I let it in. I let the Spirit of Love into my heart where it now shall remain always. We had a delightful exchange and she gently let me back down into an intensity of experience that the drug dose represented, guided me so I wouldnt freak out by the intensity of it. Full of love, because Love she was.
Soon after, green light again and I imbibed, a potent experience resulted, then again and something truly grand happened.
I lay in my bed and my consciousness magnified to the Cosmic level. Cosmic consciousness like the hippies called it, I never truly experienced it like that.
I saw that Black Holes, Singularities, were Gods among heavenly bodies. They are Oneness in pure form, they attract matter, strip it of its duality and add it to their Oneness.
But it was a loving, orgasmic process. Black Holes are Pure Love, they hug the matter they accrete to them so affectionately and so tightly until only Oneness remains.
I became an black hole, an actual black hole that was accreting a star. I was beckoning the star, come, come to me, let us unite! Let us be One! And the star was thrilled to be caught up in my gravity, spinning faster and faster, the experience of me accreting the star's outer atmosphere, ripping it off of her and gugging it into the pure Love, the Oneness that was me, it was ecstatic to both the star and me, culminating in me finally sucking in the stellar remnant in the ecstatic orgasm of Two becoming One.
I writhed in utter bliss and ecstasy in my bed, it was not a genital thing but it was like coming with every part of my body and soul equally. Such pleasure such love. I had always been creeped out by singularies but this changed my perception completely, it was heavenly bodies making love, a lovemaking resulting in Oneness, Pure Love, until that Pure Love by Hawking radiation after countless eons evaporates into nothingness, the Void that gave rise to it all.
I went downstairs. My inner dialogue amazed me. More? Are you ab-so-lutely fucking kidding me? Top this? It could not be. But it was 30mg and down the hatch it went.
I was shown things of great beauty but of course nothing close to the Cosmic Consciousness that I had experienced.
Then my Inner Dialogue gave me a nudge an hour later.
50mg MXE were left. I had green light to take it and it would be go time, and I would experience something I never thought to be possible, an experience that would trump anything I had experienced before.
I knew rationally that I could take it, the milligrams would be water off this duck's back. But that was a way too fucking he-man promise for my Higher Self to be making unless there was really something more to it, an experience that would dwarf all that I had before it.
And this, folks, is the point where things may get offensive to you. I apologize in spades, but I have to tell this, at the risk of offending people and becoming the target of online ridicule for years to come. But I got to, its too important an experience on a personal level not to share.
I lay in my bed and The One came to me, it felt like God Almighty spoke to me. We had a dialogue too moving and too personal to put into words. About me, about Him, about my rape as a child, about me being gay, and unable to share intimacy.
God told me to make a hearts wish. I didnt whisper or think it, my heart did it for me. I didnt even feel the message but God had heard it.
Now I have to word myself very carefully here. No body materialized, but part of the mattress and sheet and pillow, and attached to it, the whole universe entirely, manifested as a male human form. It embraced me completely and told me 'I am all around you and inside of you, always.' it, God, hugged me and I hugged back with all my might. And then, nothing carnal or genital occurred of any sort but, and please forgive me people, God made love to me. Nothing carnal occurred but the exchange of Love that should happen in lovemaking, completely personal and completely intimate, that intimacy of lovemaking happened between God and me.
I wept my pillow full of tears of pure joy, it was undescribable. It was an exchange of Pure Love with the One that was All. The intimacy, the validation it was, of a fat gay man who at times thinks very little of himself, tears flow still just writing this.
When the Union was completed, and I stress that it was NOT SEX, God spoke to me: 'For your carnal virginity I will put a man on your path, but your virginity in the way of love-making, that I took from you, so in that way you are no longer a virgin.'
As it dawned on me what had happened I laughed, not in disbelief or disrespect but about the impossibility of relating this in a way that people would not either be deeply offended or shit themselves with laughter. God told me it was good to laugh, that it wasnt irreverent.
I was crying and producing unbelievable amounts of mucus, God told me to go get dressed, blow my nose downstairs and that 'the mystery would still be there when you return', I went, felt His presence in my bed, who urged me to get back in. I went. In bed. With God.
God asked me 'So *firstname* am I a good lover?' The answer was obvious. I asked how I had been. 'You were just like I created you, perfect in every way.' I cried. If only I could feel the love He felt for me for myself.
Guilt washed over me. What had I done? Me, the unworthy! God reassured me that Love had been exchanged, it was fully mutual and His initiative.
I asked 'Is this what happened to Mary?' God said 'To Mary and to many throughout history, yes something like this happened, but in Mary's case a seed was planted.' My mind was blown. 'Will... Demons come after me in envy and anger?' 'Nothing of the sort *firstname*, nothing of the sort.' 'Have I finally gone insane?' 'No more than you were, you will return to normalcy after the drug wears off but, part of you will be satisfied and fulfilled and part of you will be mine in a special way that you and I know about.'
I lay in bed completely relaxed, completely satisfied. Love had been made, fully.
After a long time, the manifestation of a personal God dissolved back into the universe like it always had been. I did not feel abandoned or saddened. He is all around me and inside of me always. No matter in which direction I look I will always be facing him.
I lazed around, I lingered, I cried and laughed, ordered food, rolled up Turkish pizzas, on bread much like in Biblical times it dawned on me, I slept for 4 hours, I wrote this report.
Internet, please be gentle. This is something deeply personal and deeply significant that happened to me and I have gathered the balls of steel to tell the world of my incredible experience, the one that trumped all before it.
If this offends you as a religious person or on another level I completely apologize, but I had to share this.
In the realm where Dream and Reality meet, God has made love to me, and in a way part of me is virgin no longer.
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