Citation: kjh. "I've Never Had a Day Like This: An Experience with Benzylpiperazine (exp10355)". Erowid.org. Jun 19, 2002. erowid.org/exp/10355
My friend introduced me to BZP.
He said he contemplated writing up a report of his own positive experiences, but he didn't want BZP's popularity to increase, thus inevitably rendering it illegal.
I feel some sort of moral responsibility, however. The reports currently on Erowid are of rather poor quality. Only two of them explore BZP by itself. When I read of these experiences where users mix BZP with pot, GHB, TMFPP, and anything else they can get their hands on, and seemingly inevitably become sick, I can only wonder what they expected.
I decided when I began that I would keep a record of my trip and upload it, whether good, bad, or indifferent. Sites like Erowid defend their copious drug-related encyclopedias with the justification of harm-reduction, and it would be sad if we as users were unable to contribute to that cause out of fear.
I haven't included a summary because there are too many details to pick from, and I shrink from deciding for others which are important and which are not.
12:45pm: Weighed out 100mg BZP HCl and dissolved in an unknown quantity of juice. The chemical left an unpleasant aftertaste which was easily remedied with a couple pretzels. I'm a little nervous, this being my first time, but I think it's going to go well.
12:52pm: My stomach's a little tight, but whether this is due to the chemical or the fact that I haven't eaten since last night, I don't know. As I'm typing this, though, the pain is increasing, and I'm wondering if I ought to eat something.
1:00pm: Feeling flushed, a little excited. Can I separate my own emotions from the drug? This is why drug reports suck.
1:07pm: Slight headache brewing.
1:21pm: Feeling a little woozy. I recognize that my blood sugar is low, and with the expected metabolic increase from BZP, I finally give in and eat something. While moving around and munching a bit, I notice that I am feeling, well, 'high': my consciousness feels like it is collected in my head instead of being distributed throughout my body.
1:26pm: I feel a little cold and wonder if my body temperature has gone up, but I don't care nearly enough to check. I put on a flannel shirt. Movement euphoria has increased somewhat.
1:36pm: My jaw feels strange as I sing along to the music, as if it were being stretched too far. My bad lungs limit how much I can exert myself and I wish I were in better shape.
1:41pm: In a sudden and unexpected brainstorm, I figured out I could cut feedback from my turntable by placing thin books under it to dampen the vibrations. Yay me! I feel happy and untroubled; though I feel the deep emotion in songs like 'The Dangling Conversation,' they do not weaken my overall mood.
1:49pm: Getting ready to go out, still in an impeccable mood.
1:52pm: Approaching +1H, I'm excited about what's still to come. I'm much more personable than usual as I speak to my dad before stepping out.
2:50pm: About +2H and back from lunch, feeling fantastic. I love this drug. Motion euphoria hasn't increased much, except in my legs, which tingle strangely, feeling simultaneously as
if they've been over- and underexerted: the bottom line is, they want to move! I'm contemplating a booster dose. My head is in the clouds, making walking strange and perhaps perilous, but fun. Mood is up, up, up, and it's time for a cigarette. Curiosity compels me to check my pupils on the way out. Dilated.
4:15pm: A brief narrative of my walk: Went to the corner store to get cigarettes. I realized I was exerting myself more than normal, so I picked up some Gatorade. 'FIERCE Berry.' My first time drinking such stuff. It wasn't bad, actually. I continued on to the mall, where I hung out for some time, checking out stuff. GNC had no empty gelcaps, but the man helpfully suggested I try some place next to Safeway. Safeway is quite a few miles away, so I kept to the mall, bumming from store to store, checking out music, games, electronics, etc. I felt very personable and I was very polite and cordial to everyone I met: no drug I've ever taken has been so socially-enabling. The whole time, I was unconscious of everything that didn't matter: staring people, awkward salesmen, minor aches in my feet and calves due to all the walking. I played with toys and mantoys (aka shiny electronics) as I once did when I was young, not caring about the glaring store reps. Eventually, I bought Simon and Garfunkel 'Sound of Silence' and headed home. The trip went faster than normal, and cigarettes are a delight to smoke. I think I'm going to boost, but I can't decide how much... 100mg? 150? 200?
300? As I write this, at 4:20pm, it is +3:30H.
4:38pm: Redosed with 150mg BZP dissolved in juice. It is currently +3:45H. In 1.5 hours, when the second BZP dose is expected to come up fully, it will be +5:15H, and I don't expect the first dose to last much longer than six hours, so I have no worries. Feeling slight stomach upset, just like first dose. I guess this is only to be expected when raw chemicals are introduced to the stomach. Meanwhile, on with the music.
4:44pm: Wrote out the introduction to this report. While doing so, I noticed a marked aphasia. I'm usually quite good with words, but they aren't coming as readily now, despite the fact that ideas flow as well as ever, and common social interaction (as noted) is not impaired, but enhanced. I do not believe this is related to memory recall, either, since I was able to recall most details of my walk quite well. Then again, I did experience aphasia while typing that out as well, and forgot to mention it. Then AGAIN, my memory is often rather poor. So I don't really have enough information to conclude whether or not BZP has an effect on language or memory centers.
5:02pm: I've often felt a little cold during the trip, and my flannel shirt remedied that easily. I took it off after getting home, and now I'm actually a little hot, and my feet are cold. This tells me that my body temperature has changed. (I have poor circulation in my feet. They are often cold when the rest of me is warm.)
5:10pm: I think the first dose of BZP is actually coming down. I'm starting to feel a little draggy and weak, and I'm positive it isn't my blood sugar. Mood enhancement is still going, though, as is the 'high' feeling. I put on BT 'ESCM.' The house is dark and empty and the bass reverberates throughout. When I get goosebumps, they start at my head and run like a
tingling fire over my body. (I think I have hairs I didn't know I had.) The goosebumps seem to prefer the right side to the left. What does that mean? Has the day passed? Who cares?
5:15pm: I realize I'm not as bad as I think I am. I notice that my thought process is less linear than normal. For the second time, the thought occurs to me that I maybe shouldn't have redosed so high. But I have no sense of fear or impending doom. I decide to have faith. Or rather, I am imbued with it. I get up and fly up the stairs, noting that perhaps I was wrong about coming down. I start dancing and I'm right on the beat.
5:21pm: Nearing falling down the stairs, I realize I can't find the cat. I can't decide whether I'm upset, or happy to have a mission. I find out quickly when I find him (in plain sight) and a wave of relief crashes over me. I ponder massage-by-bass: its power is thundering in the room above mine. I'm running and dancing and twisting like crazy. Maybe I ought to give this to my dad as a weight-loss supplement. It takes a lot out of my
cigarette-seared lungs, though. I think my knees are complaining, too, but the feeling is too anesthetized. Will I be sorry in the morning? There's a going-away party for a friend of mine tomorrow. I'm bringing this shit.
5:30pm: In the garage, the in-between world, the sound is muted and far away. It's dim and small and cold. It's my favorite place. It reminds me of Samhain, which just passed: the ancient Celtic holiday that is outside of time, part neither of the new year nor the old, and for that matter, part neither of the world of the dead nor the living. I'm forced to abandon the thought when 'Flaming June' picks me up out of my chair and drives me to dance.
5:35pm: Most people aren't very fun to be around. That's why I'm not in a serious relationship. I don't know anybody who I could stand to be around so much. Actually, I did meet someone who fit the bill recently, but she's moving soon. Her very attractive friend is a lesbian. No luck in love. I notice this is becoming more of a journal entry than a trip report. I wonder if I should pare it down before submitting it. I don't want to.
01/11/02 17:35:38 god i'm sweaty.
01/11/02 17:36:27 i've been dancing like a god damn motherfucker
01/11/02 17:36:30 you would not believe it for a second
5:45pm: It's +5H from the initial dose now. I'm not sure whether I'm coming down from my first dose, coming up from my second, going strong on both, or what. All I know for sure is that I'm having a blast. The intensity of the music is coming close to sensory overload.
5:50pm: Family is home. Do I care? Nope. My family relationships are so ridiculously more functional right now than they've ever been. Slow songs take a lot out of me. In addition to their higher emotional content in music and lyric, they give me a vague sense of tension, as if its slowness were unnatural. I realize that the aphorism 'familiarity breeds contempt' is particularly true with me. The longer I know people, the worse I tend to treat them... with some exceptions. I also realize I like editing a lot more than writing. Tweaking words and visual presentation is so much fun. I didn't write 'IRC interlude' when I originally pasted those lines, but it seems more amusing to me with the simple break from the prose above.
6:00pm: I'm more responsive. I'm more assertive. I'm more honest. I say what I mean. I'm loving it. I'm loving this drug.
6:10pm: Legs, legs, legs, how awesome do you feel? 'Pretty fucking awesome,' is the courteous response. Thank you, boys. That'll be all. This is supposed to be like meth? Meth? The drug demonized on TV? The drug that makes you obsessive-compulsively clean your bathroom? Huh? What? How could I have possibly bought that propaganda when I rejected it about acid and pot and everything else under the sun? The 'educated stoner' dichotomy of 'good drugs' and 'cocaine/speed/heroin' is ridiculous.
01/11/02 18:11:36 anything that feels good is good.
A change in personal philosophy? I'm not a hedonist. Maybe I'm figuring out that line between feels good/feels bad is stranger than I thought.
6:15pm: I'd like to note for the record that I've experienced no negative physical side effects, except for the initial stomach upset on dosing. I estimate that my pulse and heart rate are elevated, because that would only make sense, but I can't double-check this, and it isn't affecting me subjectively. Hmm. I just rubbed my stomach and it felt odd, as if my stomach were filled with a solid mass. Clearly this can't be. Some sort of affection to my sense of touch. Another thought, if I remain motionless for a while, a ball of heat begins to grow in my chest, in the center, behind the concave area and the bottom of the breastplate.
As I breathe deeply in, it dissipates, and exhaling feels like coming up for air while swimming. I've heard talk about 'heart chakra energy' in relation to BZP that sounded similar to this, but I don't know anything about it.
6:20pm: It feels very, very late. Ah, now I remember why. It's winter and the sun is down. I don't like winter. Lack of sun depresses me. You can imagine how I feel about my job: I sit in an office for hours on end. It's now about +5:30H since dose number one.
6:40pm: Continuing to soar. I don't think my stomach is happy. Every now and then, 'hey, my stomach is trying to tell me something' will occur to me, but it goes away before I can even ponder what the message might be. Is it hungry? I refuse to feed it further. Silence is offensive. I put in Ween 'White Pepper.' Right away, I discover I'm picking up on more details than usual. On the other hand, the mix does tend to coalesce into a senseless mess if I don't pay attention to it.
I've never had a day quite like this.
I realize that Ween is the basis of my new personal philosophy in a way I can't explain. It isn't so much the content of the lyrics (although it somewhat is) as much as the way the overall songs sound, and how they make you feel. I once dropped acid with two friends of mine and spent much of the night listening to Ween: one remarked it was 'music to set your face to' and I completely agree.
It's coming up on +6H for dose one and past +2H for dose two. I don't really feel like the redose has come up as much as the initial dose had by +2H. Maybe tolerance develops rapidly?
That can't be. I know people have gone on BZP binges longer than this. Then again, maybe because of the dose timing, I stayed up the whole time instead of going down and coming up again.
7:05pm: Remember the goosebumps? I forgot to mention that they've been coming and going for hours now, in random isolated spots. One second it'll be my elbow, then the forearm of the other arm, then my neck. Odd and interesting. I'm relaxing, and the feeling of passiveness on BZP is much different from the feeling of activeness. I feel glued to my chair, as if gravity were ten times normal, as if something were pressing down on me. But I recognize this from brainwave-entraining experiments with marijuana: it's an endorphin rush waiting to happen, encouraging me to get up and move around. It gets better the longer you resist it.
7:30pm: I'm starting to have a hard time thinking straight. Like when stoned, I find that if I want to express or do something, I have to repeat it in my head several times first.
7:57pm: Forgot to put this down earlier. The friend who introduced me to BZP said that his mouth 'felt like it did on acid.' Having experienced this, I can now concur. I'm not quite sure what that feeling is. Sort of a very, very slow fade of flavors: none ever really GOES AWAY, just fades into a vague jumble, individual elements undetectable by our senses.
In other news, I am again experiencing vague discomfort of unknown cause. I think dose two has just peaked, at almost +3:30H. No problems yet, for the record.
Foot rubbing feels fantastic. Which is good, because my feet are cold. Touch euphoria? I get goosebumps when I touch myself. I wonder what my body temperature is. I need a toy. I looked for a Hoberman sphere at the mall, but so sad, there were none.
8:15pm: Queasy. Shut up, stomach. Maybe take a dramamine tab next time?
01/11/02 20:16:23 i don't know how i'm even communicating, i'm so out of touch
8:40pm: How long have I been sitting? The drug urges me out of my chair for no particular reason. Talking to my family is interesting. Without the supportive chair beneath me, my sense of balance feels impaired; in amusement, I fear falling over at any moment. Similarly, my motor functions have been blunted; my walk is slightly unsteady, my hands shake, and I start tipping a glass before it reaches my mouth, dribbling a good deal on my shirt. They notice none of these things because the socializing effects of the drug are still going strong.
8:55pm: Things are calming down. I can't be sure, as I've been wrong before, but I think that the second dose peaked and is slowly walking the downhill side. Everything's quiet. Quiet.
I'm thinking of how to spend the rest of the night. I know I'll want to go out after everyone's gone to bed, but I'm not sure if dosing AGAIN is a good idea. My body and brain probably need a break. The mall trip seems far away, as if it were yesterday, or a thousand years ago.
Singing along to music makes me feel sick and weary, as if I don't have the strength for it anymore.
01/11/02 21:13:51 i am currently: 50% higher than a kite
9:26pm: The cold sweatiness of my feet is starting to bother me, though I ruefully acknowledge it is not a problem caused solely by the BZP. I wonder if my probably-heightened blood pressure is aggravating it. I'm also experiencing muscle tension in my forearms. And my stomach is once again queasy. At somewhere in the neighborhood of +8:30H since the first dose, this is the absolute worst the physical side effects have been, and they are very manageable. They already subsided by the time I finished typing this.
9:32pm: It started with my ass.
Absently, I itched it. Now I'm vigorously scratching every square inch of skin I can get my nails on. It's glorious. What I wouldn't give for a massage right now.
9:54pm: I want a cigarette very badly, but I can't have one for several hours. This is bringing me down somewhat. Also, I'm totally digging rough, old music mixed in the 70s. It almost makes you want to say 'fuck you and your modern production techniques!' And then it occurs to you how dumb that is. Thank god for used record stores.
10:00pm: My throat is painfully parched. I keep going to the kitchen and drinking water, but I'm always parched again within 10 minutes. I'm not THIRSTY, my throat is just dry. I don't know what to make of it.
10:10pm: Just went to the bathroom. While standing at the toilet, my stomach was begging me to kneel down. I resisted, because I know it isn't necessary. The queasiness is definitely the biggest downside to this drug. Definitely going to take some dramamine next time. My friend told me BZP is an 'anorexic,' meaning that it not only stunted the appetite, but made food feel unappealing and I can DEFINITELY agree with that right now. But the meal I took while dose one was coming up went without a problem. Perhaps it gets worse with time.
Swallowing is not pleasant, either. It's difficult and causes pain: I think my esophagus is constricted, but I have no idea why. The drug is still going strong. +9:20H since the first dose, +5:30H since the second.
10:25pm: I suddenly feel very baseline, although some physical effects are lingering on somewhat; I think they will fade slowly away over the next hour or so. The comedown so far has not been too unpleasant. I want to take some Tylenol now to ward off any lingering aches and pains tomorrow morning, but I don't know anything about the metabolism of BZP, and I don't feel like going to the hospital for acetaminophen poisoning. Aspirin? Not with this stomach!
No ibuprofen, naturally. Oh well.
10:33pm: My balance is still a little off. Closer to baseline, I'm able to make a connection with the queasiness: probably there is a vestibular influence. Dramamine will definitely help with that. (I hate the word 'nausea.')
10:45pm: My jaw is clenching like crazy. I was warned about this but I don't know what, if anything, I can do about it.
I've never had a day quite like this.
End time: +10:00H.
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