Citation: Basquiat. "Noticeable Drop in My Mood: An Experience with MDMA (exp103275)". Erowid.org. Aug 10, 2017. erowid.org/exp/103275
||(powder / crystals)
The Spring-time energy that was creeping into London had been boosting my spirits, and I had the strong feeling that tonight would be a good night. I hadn't actually intended to take any substances before I headed out, but when I arrived at my friend's house and found one of his housemates wrapping up bombs of MDMA – and then giving one to me – it seemed as though the decision had been taken for me.
Strangely enough, I ended up going to the dub and drum'n'bass night on my own, as I already had a ticket and my friends were headed somewhere else. This didn't bother me though, as I've always felt happy enough dancing on my own, and even prefer it sometimes.
T+0: I decided to take the bomb at around midnight, while I was sitting on the night bus on the way to the venue. I had eaten about 4 hours previously.
T+ 45: Having got through the military-level security that is unfortunately becoming a standard in many London clubs, I began to feel the first rushes of the MDMA. I was standing at the back of the main dancefloor, next to the mammoth bass bins that were placed around the edges of the room. I was beginning to hone in on the details of the tunes. The jabberings of the MC, which I would usually not pay that much attention to, seemed much more purposeful, the basslines seemed as though they were aimed directly at my chest, and I was beginning to sync and flow with the music. Inhibitions slipped away as I began bouncing to the music, forgetting myself in the throng of fellow travellers around me.
T+ 2.00: It was probably around 2am when the effects started peaking. I noticed that the MDMA seemed to be – as the supplier assured me to be the case – unusually potent and clean. As I wandered into the smaller, secondary room, everything around me was clearly delineated and heightened, the world around me appeared sharper, more in focus, but also easier to navigate. I've always had a sense with good MDMA that a moment arises when I feel a sense of stepping through a window, into an emotional state that is more open, honest and clear cut
I've always had a sense with good MDMA that a moment arises when I feel a sense of stepping through a window, into an emotional state that is more open, honest and clear cut
, as though my own thoughts and emotions, and those of people around me, are no longer abstractions or hindrances, and there is almost no distraction from the present moment and the energies around me.
As is usually the case when I take MDMA or psychedelics, there was a strong sexual component to the experience. I have been going through a bit of a dry patch in my sex life, and this was very much at the forefront of my mind. At several points throughout the night I remember standing around by myself, enjoying vivid sexual fantasies. I felt more rooted in my physical body and sexuality, sharing passing glances and smiles with women who were locked into the same wavelength.
T+ 3.00: Still in the smaller room, which featured much more texturally interesting music, I began to feel frustrated by the lack of space around me, and retreated into a corner, where I hid, pressed against the wall with my eyes closed, enjoying the deep connection I was feeling with the music, as well as the awareness that other people around me were enjoying a similar connection. Despite this, however, I was very much in my own world, and didn't really talk to many people that night.
T+4.00: Back in the main hall, I felt like I was literally floating through and above the music. I felt reminded of times when I was younger when I would dance like this all the time, uninhibited and unencumbered. Although the MDMA experience was very pleasurable, a familiar sensation arose that I couldn't quite go deep enough, that I was craving a more transcendent experience. I wanted to lose myself completely, not think at all. But although I had flashes of such moments, they did not last as long as I wanted.
T+5.00: I decided to leave the club, after being one of the few remaining dancers in the smaller room, enjoying the bassweight as I stood close to the speaker. I made by way back to my friend's place, where I was spending the night. I was still feeling pretty high, but curled up in a sleeping back and tried to get some sleep.
The days after
The MDMA had been refreshing, and had temporarily lifted me up, tweaking my frequencies and boosting my energy. Yet the effects I felt in the days afterwards, perhaps because of the potency of the substance, seemed harder than usual.
The following day, I met up with my ex-girlfriend, who I had not seen in about 4 months (we had both gone travelling). It was delightful to see her, and we ate pizza in a bar covered in what seemed to be psychedelic children's dream images. The bar suited the mood, and I remember still feeling quite trippy. I also enjoyed holding her, and realised how much I missed her physical presence.
On the second morning after I had taken it (I was still at my friend's house), I remember having a strange head rush; it was almost as though a second wave of MDMA had hit me. My body felt extremely tired, but the dominant sensation was that my brain was hurting, as though the neurotransmitters were hastily trying to rearrange themselves as best they could. Later that day I went to see another friend, who was celebrating her birthday in a pub. I had stayed away from alcohol all weekend but still felt somehow as though I was extremely hungover and was struggling to function in the outside world. I felt bedraggled and self-conscious, feeling paranoid that people were giving me dirty looks. I was able to hold conversations but felt that I had to keep apologising to those around me for being so jangled.
During the next two days, there was a noticeable drop in my mood. I still felt fatigued and sleep-deprived, but I was also feeling unnaturally irritable. I am quite prone to anxiety, and noticed that I was experiencing extreme restlessness and racing thoughts, and even during a film I went to see in the cinema (which I did just to get out of the house), I was almost unable to sit still. On my return home I experienced what felt almost like a minor meltdown. All the worries that had been bugging me (my impending 30th birthday, my current state of unemployment) now seemed like monstrous indicators of my own failures in life. I found myself crying, lying curled up on the bed alone, feeling incredibly low.
The following morning (this was now a full four days after taking the MDMA) I felt more or less back to normal, and I did have the sense that I had purged some negative thoughts, or at least temporarily cried them out of my system. But I was also struck by the fact that this particular comedown had been far more emotionally draining that I had experienced previously and I came to the conclusion it was perhaps time to begin drawing my relationship with MDMA – which had begun 10 years ago – though in that time I had always been a very sparing and moderate user, using it at most, 3 or 4 times in a year - to a close.
I am at a point where I very much feel the need to engage in some deep exploration of my consciousness, emotions and spirituality. But I will probably be doing this by using other substances (I have been leaning strongly towards psychedelics) or through none at all.
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