Citation: bathroomgraffiti. "Ego Loss Nothingness Machine Elves: An Experience with DMT (exp101882)". Erowid.org. Feb 26, 2018. erowid.org/exp/101882
||(powder / crystals)
||(powder / crystals)
Me: 24 year old female, lifelong psychonaut, yogi, meditator, experienced tripper. This was my 2nd DMT trip, although the first time was extremely subtle. I use some yoga lingo in here, hopefully no one gets confused.
My friend helped me light it. She swirled the lighter around the glass bowl and the DMT powder turned brown and liquidy. I inhaled slowly. Toward the end of the first hit reality started transforming. I was lucid enough to take one more, but barely.
Then I watched reality break down to the point of incomprehension. It was instantly more detailed and vibrant than any other psychedelic trip I have experienced. First the colors got brighter and deeper, and then all empty space was flooded with geometric patterns and shapes. Everything was made of patterns and shapes. Tiny patterns forming larger groups and life forms. The detail was absolutely incredible. It was flawless. Everything made perfect sense. Of course it was that way. Nothing could be built up otherwise. Everything existed within this completely interconnected field of detail and pattern and it progressively turned in to what I can now only remember as an explosion of shape and color. I assume this was my “peak” and this part of the trip is, like I stated earlier, incomprehensible and impossible to fully explain. I can tell you this, though:
I had absolutely no sense of “me”. My physical reality was totally gone and all that existed to me was a timeless, infinite, meaningless existence of color, shape, and possibility. There was no definite form, shape, or meaning here- and yet it seemed profoundly truthful and obvious. It was flawless yet didn’t exist as a thing to be understood. I wish I could describe this better. It got more and more intense until at some point there was no experience at all. Nothingness. Zero.
Then suddenly the tiniest point of awareness. I had no idea what was going on. I didn’t remember smoking DMT, I didn’t remember where I was, or even who I was. Me as a physical self did not exist, except for this vague, nonlocal awareness that must have been experiencing this. I remember having tiny realizations of 'being' and feeling like I should know what that was. I sensed that I wanted to be interpreting, but couldn’t.
I remember having tiny realizations of 'being' and feeling like I should know what that was. I sensed that I wanted to be interpreting, but couldn’t.
It was mostly just pure experience without any mental judgement or understanding at all. It was beautiful.
I slowly started becoming more and more aware of myself. First I realized that my lips were burning. Then I realized I had lips. Then I forgot about lips and fell back in to the void. Then my lips came back with a horrible taste in a mouth that I apparently had. I felt like the sensation I was feeling was negative and that I should know how to do something to fix it, but I didn’t. So I fell back in to the void and slowly came back out of it, eventually coming to terms with my physical reality again, but with a pretty intense DMT trip still existing within it. Everything was vibrating and connected. Millions of patterns within patterns.
I had a hand and it had a definite layer of energy/patterns around it. My friends did too. There was physical them followed by other specifically defined layers around them. These layers seemed no different than their actual physical boundaries and it all made perfect sense at the time. It was all connected, it all made sense through the patterns. The dog was there with its layers and it moved and they moved and vibrated it all made sense.
I started taking deep breaths and I felt clear and open and peaceful and alive. My story/problems/emotions still didn’t exist at this point. Pure awareness of a physical existence. I wanted to move and stretch and breath. I began a deep, steady, oojai breath as I lay in 'supta baddhakonasana' on the couch. The idea of prana seemed obvious at this point because I could see it. I was breathing in patterns of energy. It was all patterns of energy. I sat for moments in pure awe of life. I slowly came back to my body as the visuals became less specific and intense. I couldn’t believe what I had just experienced. Aspects of reality slowly reassembled themselves in my head and my understanding of “me” came back layer by layer.
In this phase I started attaching labels and understanding to my trip which really just can't accurately describe my actual experience, but this was my immediate interpretation:
That was God, I am God, its all God and its all happening all the time. I kept coming back to that idea. It’s all happening all around us and there is nothing we can do about it. Its effortless and flawless and infinitely complicated and it doesn’t care what we think about it. Its happening at the same time/place that our reality is happening, but on a different level that we don’t naturally perceive in day to day reality. It was like adding more rods and cones to our eyes and suddenly experiencing more of the color spectrum. It was always there, we just couldn’t see it. This felt very obvious to me at the time. I say God, but it wasn’t like this all powerful knowing being. It was just the nature of our existence and it happened to reside within us. It wasn’t an emotional experience perceiving this. I didn’t feel like it “loved” me necessarily or that I needed to prove myself to it. I respected it deeply as a source of some sort that was deeply connected to who I was.
I felt that something within me needed to be released and I spontaneously started crying. It felt great to cry. I wasn’t sad. My friends hugged me and it was beautiful and I was so grateful for their friendship.
Then I did it again…
I hit it three times before it kicked in, and it was much different this time. I saw a very specific image of a place that exists in my life. That’s all it was. I kept waiting for the crazy colorful world I had just experienced but all I saw was a rectangular image of a place I regularly go. I realized that at the top left and bottom right corners, though, were creatures. Male, elfish creatures. Holding open a movie screen with this image. They were aware of me and obviously trying to show me something. I interpreted it to mean that I needed to continue connecting with the people associated with this image and that something important was going to happen with that relationship. The creatures became more and more detailed and I trusted what they were telling me, although no actual words were used there was definitely a communication.
Then I opened my eyes and gazed at the ceiling. The idea of prana came back to me and the visual I saw on the ceiling was of the torso of a human body with an extensive circuit of channels running through it. I wondered if it was the Nadi system. Prana, again, seemed to make a lot of sense at this point. Everything was so flowy and magical and energetic and alive. This trip seemed a lot quicker, although its hard to tell.
Overall this was hands down the one of the greatest experiences of my life. I since feel like I took a psychological 'shower'. I feel clear, free, open, and connected. It was all of the beauty of psychedelics, times a million, smashed in to 20 minutes. Perfect.
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