I Am Scared to Death, Where Is It Going to End?
Pharmahuasca (Syrian Rue & DMT)
by impact
Citation:   impact. "I Am Scared to Death, Where Is It Going to End?: An Experience with Pharmahuasca (Syrian Rue & DMT) (exp101649)". Erowid.org. Jan 27, 2018. erowid.org/exp/101649

  12.5 g oral Syrian Rue (tea)
  80 mg oral DMT (freebase)


Homemade Ayahuasca

We smashed 25g of paganum harmala seeds (for two people) as a source of MAOI in a coffee grinder. Then we boiled it in the cca 0.6 liters of water for a 30 minutes, then filtering through the kitchen sieve to remove the seed's skin. Then we mixed up the paganum harmala infusion with the 0.08g DMT freebase for each of us (x2 for two persons) and boil it together for cca 10 minutes. The filtering is a crucial part here and we did quite a mistake as the paganum harmala seed's skin are powerful refluxive (causing vomit) agent. We just did not want to wait so the sieve seemed to be enough. I strongly reccomend at least one more filtering round with the paper coffee filter to remove as much the smashed seed's skin as is possible (otherwise you'll vomit all night long)! The homemade Ayahuasca was done. We took it to the glass bottle, jumped the car and headed to the nearest hill. We drank it at 10pm.

Actually this was our second attempt. We tried it first time before in warm summertime with one quarter dosage (cca 0.02g DMT freebase for each) to test the character of the substance. It was quite quick and the whole easy trip was lasting about one hour without breakthrough. I felt surprisingly scared but I kept it on the ground with the power of my will. My friend was doing yoga meditation quite often that time and he had very short (two minutes) and nice breakthrough with beautiful visions etc. The overall feeling was good and we were thinking we can manage it comfortably next time. This led to the false self-confidence and the lost of humbleness. This time we had quite poor set&setting (no diet, no fasting, rainy night, fog, tired after work, not enough sleep, some 'minor' problems at home) and we just did not care as we were considering ourselves as experienced trippers (stupid attitude). Again, I strongly reccommend to keep at least a week long tyramine free diet without cheese, meat, etc. With at least 24 hours long fasting before the ayahuasca attempt. Do not even think of it if you have high blood pressure or taking some regular pills, especially an anti-allergy antihistaminics are dangerous!

We were sitting in the car for 10 minutes and then we started to feel some effects. It was like starting the LSD trip but it was evolving surprisingly much faster. I saw the fractals with closed eyes and the whole effect was becoming stronger and stronger with every minute. After 15 minutes I started to feel rising stomach-ache. Damned seed's skin. I was afraid that if I throw it up I'll miss the whole trip so I tried to keep it inside of me as long as was possible. We were both so naive. According to our previous experience we were assuming it is going to be lasting approximatelly for three, four hours with such dosage. Pfff. At 20th minute I saw fractals even with my opened eyes and the car became small to me. As we were equipped well for cold October (skiing dress, winter boots, cap, camping mats) I went outside the car to take a breath and walk around to chill the queasy stomach. With all my concentration and power of the will I pulled the camping mat from car case and kneeled down on it as I was loosing the control of the body. Standing on my feet gave me a lot of problems like being heavily drunk and I was feeling the loss of physical energy. I was shaking by cold even in my skiing suit. Fractals everywhere. I had a big problem to keep my eyes opened.

At 30th minute I was lying crouched on the mat next to the car praying for the end of the trip. Physical and mental pain. Beginning of the time deformation. The effect was strengthening in a kind of waves with short 'breaks'. We were trying to communicate with each other during these breaks. 'Are you OK?'>'Yes, I handle it!'. My friend X was telling me: 'Oh, we have exactly what we wanted!' but he did not definitely sound happy. I was trying to determine how much punishment I need to get yet. 30 minutes was gone and I was assuming that within next 60 minutes we should hit the peak. Oh God! Please help me, please protect me, please forgive me! Nothing. Total emptiness. Nobody cares of me. I am an atom. One of the many. I am nothing more than the stone on the ground. I am lost. The stream of memories and visions. Childhood. Family. I still try not to throw up. I survived the next five waves. I hear my friend howling in the car. It was a heavy nightmare and it still gets stronger! 60th minute gone. Time compression. Now every single minute can last an hour! God please guide me and protect me! No enlightenment. No helpful entities. Total loneliness and barren land.
No enlightenment. No helpful entities. Total loneliness and barren land.
I tried to count the waves to determine the trip phase where I approximately am. I counted dozens. It doesn't help it. X is telling me during his break from the car that we have gone 1.5 hour. I barely understand him.

Dozens of other waves. It still gets stronger and stronger! I am scared to death. Where is it going to end? No end. No future. Just infinite now. Is it the now what Eckhart Tolle speaks about? It does not matter. Nobody helps me. I believe that it needs time. Nothing matters. I believe that the minutes are still running in the reality of my physical body. I shout 'I am done. I do not want it anymore! I got the lesson!'. Visions of my childhood, wife, daughter. A lot of information. I can't take it all my head does not manage it. A lot of shit inside of me. Get rid of it! Parts of my ego decomposes. Extreme physical pain. I gave it up. I need to get it out. I try to throw it up. I barely navigate the shaking fingers to the throat. It is like driving the body with a remote control with huge delay. I can't throw up. Only small amount of fluid went out. Vomiting is extremely energy demanding. I am lost inside of me. I can't help the body as I cannot drive it. I survive few more cycles of purgatory. Time does not matter anymore. I guess it could be at 120th minute but every moment was infinite to me. I need to get it out of me. God please help me! I want to see my wife and daughter again! Pleeeeease! I hear X saying during his break 'It was hugely irresponsible! I am close to the madness.' I try to support him howling 'It is OK. We'll manage it.' It is like a stairway. Every single stair it gets stronger. Still! Thanks for the short conscious breaks at least. I try to love it. Love should help. I did not understand at all what the love means. What is it to love it all. Oh God! Please protect me and everybody! Pain as anything. I have not had such stomach-ache in my life and I cannot free myself out of it.

I do not drive the body. Stimulated vomiting does not work. I take it as a punishment for my sins. I see all of them. All my life is recorded inside of me. I cannot hide anything. We cannot blame the God! Again the visions of childhood. Vision of being somewhere in the sunny garden. Strong feeling of something known but there is not human being. I am somewhere in the garden, the wind is waving the trees, the leafs. It is like a spirit of the earth. I cannot connect it to anything. It does not make a sense to me. Is it the previous life? Where does this vision come from? Again childhood. Me and my friends playing around the creek. Warm feeling. Then strong hit of punishment again! I am not a good father! I do not use my time well. I am lazy. My task is to quit smoking marihuana and focus on my daughter. Start doing things properly. Children are a miracle! The birth is a miracle. Conception is a miracle. I cry. All my self confidence regarding the religion and mysticism was illusive.

I survived another lot of waves. It is infinite. It still gets stronger. I cannot help it. I give up all my interests and feel some love inside of me finally. I feel the humbleness and love helps a bit but it caught me! I should not love it with the purpose! I should not be humble with the purpose! It should be natural without expecting the fruit of it. Ultimate test. I got few more hard purgatory washing cycles. I was such a bastard. Oh god. Time does not exist. I am scared I'll die. I pray for my family at least. Myself does not matter anymore. Purgatory seems to be infinite. I am swallowing the bitter to dig the way to proper love and humbleness. I hear X is saying something but I do not understand the words. Words are limiting. Infinite cycles. Everything is an illusion. I try but I do not know what I try. It does not matter. I surrender. Another hit of stomach-ache. It takes me back to the body. I am oscillating between spiritual purgatory and physical pain. The only time I am in the body I am shaking by spasms and pain, yawning by fatigue. Once I tried to yawn I immediately throw up. I remembered some yogi wisdom that breathing helps. I focus on breath only when I have the break. Cold does not matter anymore. I try to touch the ground aside my mat. I feel something but it does not matter as I am being sucked into myself again. I cannot open my eyes. X told me later that he saw me laying crouched on the mat in dirt twisting in spasms. X was apparently in a better state than me. I had it recorded inside of me that he was drinking first, then me. I could replay any of my memories. I saw in torch light that the bottle had something like coffee grounds which I only drank as second one. We did not shake it. Oh god! I swallowed all the working parts of seeds. It is clear. I am poisoned by the seeds skin.

X starts moving in the car checking himself. He goes to make a poo. I just hear it. I cannot open my eyes. He later told me that he waited for some break and he was reeling like heavily drunk. He defecated himself and he described it as freeing feeling. But it was the difficult mission to get out of the car, find some paper tissue in a pocket, not to shit yourself and enter the car again. I was envious he is able to at least remote control himself. I decided to consolidate myself. I was feeling full body of shit on all sides. I was throwing up constantly but it took some time to develop enough energy to get on my knees once a while and use my fingers, hit the throat and try to throw up some amount of fluid. I needed to pee. I also remembered the water supply is needed is such extreme experience. After some time and after few more hell-like cycles I breath deeply to save the energy. The physical pain was dragging me to my body. I took the energy from the pain. I got on my feet. Everything was twisting. I saw everything even with closed eyes. I fell back on my knees few times before I managed to stay for a second. I felt the blood circulating to my brain and the change in the blood pressure distribution in my body. Deep breathing again and a few more dry throw ups. My mat was two meters from from the car but it was incredibly far for me. To describe it better I'd compare my walking difficulty to heavy drunkedness on mount everest. My body was crouching by spasms, legs and hands shaking. It needed great will power to drive the body.

Finally I reached the car. I hold its roof rack. I opened the back doors to get the bag with water bottle. The water stinks. It was a PET bottle from the market with commercial CO2 water. I could not swallow it. X passes me his own bottle with water from the well. Much better taste. I swallowed two times. Finally throwing up more fluid. Stomach calms down for a while and also the hallucinations were a bit weaker for a while. Cold wind outside. I move hand over hand along the roof rack to the back side. I opened the vehicle's back door and fell inside the trunk. I cannot keep the eyes opened for longer than a second. The stomach-ache again. Again heavy tripping. X is telling me that he is probably over his peak already. Me definitely not. Again the vision of the garden without people or entities. It has to be the spirit of the land. It shows me the beauty of very simple things (yes, vibe tribe...). I recall all the descriptions I've read about DMT. Of course they say it is a significantly stronger than LSD but I did not have a clue of the the meaning 'significantly'. 'It can be difficult for not prepared individuals'.... Again, I did not have a clue of the meanings 'difficult' and being 'prepared'. It is a very hard drug! Not for a beginners. I definitely do not recommend it to anybody without the guide.

I can inspect any part of my body. It can heal the body, cure addictions. But it is real purgatory! Another friend of mine was keen to try it too. No way! Definitely no way. It is not a pink park garden walkie. I do not take responsibility for this. The physical pain is really exhausting but it keeps me in my body. I am on the edge. Oscillating between the pain and infinite nightmare. I wanted an enlightenment so much so I got the true portion of myself instead. I started understanding some parts of this lesson but I was still scared. I got what I deserved. Sad feeling. I try to climb out of the vehicle's trunk to pee outside. First I threw up a few times. Once my stomach spasms calmed down I tried to get on my feet. I had it three meters to the block of wooden logs. I was swinging like on a ship but I reached the target. Break to take a breath. Eyes closed all the time. Stream of fractals with short flashes of the normal reality. I do not understand how to open my pants. Finally. I am peeing most of it on the ground, the rest is on my trousers and boots. It was the feeling like something very bad left me. I fell on the wooden log and fell again back into the trance. Throw ups took me back after the while. I felt a pressure in my guts. I cast some tissues from my pockets and swing a few meters behind the log to defecate the body waste. Cleansing feeling again as some bad part of mine went out. Doing my best to not fall into it. Consciousness is better for a while. I managed to get back to the vehicle's trunk and fell inside like a bag. Tripping for a while then need for a bit of water and then vomiting spasms, throwing up for a while, then relief for a while, trying to open the eyes and again falling down to nightmare. Round by round. The spiritual level intensity finally stopped to grow. I had enough. The physical pain leverage starts to prevail. Round and round between throwing up and weakening tripping again and again.

Time is back. I knew it! It is not infinite. Thanks God! Throwing up spasms are common as breathing. I tried to get back on my feet and climb out of the trunk again. It is better now. X confirms that it is not growing anymore but the endurance is incredible. It is far beyond any expectations! I stand on my feet, legs shaking, hands shaking. I am correcting my suit, gloves and cap. I need to avoid losing physical heat. I blunder few meters from the car and it is like walking on another planet. It seems to be that I was gone for such long time and I feel like a stranger in here. Everything is moving. Lets blunder back to the trunk. Time compression is still strong. I do not even try to check my watch as I do not understand what numbers mean. I lay in the trunk falling in a dreaming state between the vomiting waves. This is a real deal! X confirms that his stomach was roaring too but it gets better. Damned seed's coffee grounds I should not have drunk it. Woulda shoulda coulda. Now I have to eat it through.

X interrupts my tripping. It is 5am in the morning and we are still on. 7 hours gone! We definitely had to pass the peak already I try to assume at least.
7 hours gone! We definitely had to pass the peak already I try to assume at least.
I spent the time in the prayers. I can't wait for the sunrise. I recall some article that the light ends the trips quite often. I reconciled the fact I'll spent the next few hours in constant vomiting but this is the burden I'll have to manage somehow. God please let me be with my wife and daughter again! I'll be good. I frankly gave up my old attitudes. It is like a painful personality rebirth. 6am. Sunrise. Beautiful scenery. I cry. Light does not help it. Fractals are still everywhere. I do not want it. I want to get back to reality. Few more throw up spasms, peeing, and get back in trance. X tries to walk over. He seems to be done already but it almost does not fade out to me. Strong endurance.

[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]

7am and I am still tripping. Water is gone. We need to get to the shop. X is driving my car. I sit next to him on front seat trying to keep a low profile. We park next to the shop. I stay in the car oscillating between trance with evilish eyes rolling and swinging in spasms from time to time. People passing by are watching me. I did my best to look normally the rest is out of my power. I feel reconciled with everything. Finally, healing mineral water. Drive away to the fields. The moving car gets me back to trance. I feel terrible like on the crazy roller coaster. It was finally fading out significantly. I drank half a bottle of salty mineral stomach healing water to get the damned seed skin out of my stomach. Immediate 'explosive' throw up followed. I managed to open the doors at least but I am completely covered by yesterday's food from head to my boots. It is interesting that I was not able to get it out sooner. I probably did not have enough power for it during the night. We promised at our homes that we will be back after the midnight. Now it is 8am and it is still not good. I am rolling my eyes like a zombie, still subtly tripping and of course endless spasms. I try to predict the landing timing according to the rate of my fade out. First estimate was that I'll be OK at 9am. I wasn't. At least fractals were fading out and I was able to keep my eyes opened for a while. We needed to drive away to find better location to hide me as the by passing bicyclists were scared of me. It was sunny Sunday and the families went out in significant bicycle and dog walkie traffic. X was almost clear. I asked him to take care of me until I get back on the feet. Cola is helping me to calm the stomach. I drink small amounts. Sugar gives me power.

11am. We parked in the middle of the fields. I hold the roof rack and try to stay on my feet. I feel fading waves. Eye rolling is gone. I finally see normally with opened eyes. Thanks God for the sun. Still throwing up but less often. Peeing a few times. Defecate once. Few more cola shots to calm the stomach.

1pm. Defecating again although I did not eat anything. Now I am completely empty. Incredible relief after that. 1:30pm and I am almost back! Eureka! I cry. I take of the puked on skiing dress, gloves, cap, boots and jacket. We walk half naked barefoot in the grass. The beauty of very simple things! It was like a dream. I cannot believe it happened! I felt reborn. The waves were still reverberating but it was manageable already. We definitely overshot the amount of MAOI and underestimated the filtering procedure. The particles of seeds skin are stuck on the surface of the stomach and cause massive refluxes. We drove to the near creek to wash our faces and wake up for the return home.

3pm. I am able to drive. I took X back home but I still cannot return because of my belly spasms. I went to a shop to buy a few more cola bottles and dietary biscuits. I am still a bit high so I went on another hill over the city and I tried to meditate. I could not sleep as I was still like on speed. Incredible fatigue but great relief. I tried to listen the radio in the car but I could not take the commercial radio. I see the world's hypocrisy. I am part of it.

7pm and my stomach is still not good. I cannot eat. I went to a restaurant for strong beef broth. It helped. Spoon by spoon with a lot of a bread to wipe out the seeds of stomach surface. I returned back home after the sunset at 8pm. I took a warm bath with a lot of salt and properly washed my whole body. Relieved feeling. Simple things work. I was watching ayahuasca videos on youtube till the midnight. I was still a bit high and I could not sleep. 41 hours without sleep! It reminded me John Lilly and his isolation tank where 4 hours spent there were substitute for the normal sleeping. Finally sour milk helped to calm the stomach and between 1-2 am I fell asleep.

I woke up after four hours at 6am absolutely fresh, clean and feeling incredibly healthy. I believe I left some bad part of mine behind. Even now it was like a dream. Thank God we lived!

Exp Year: 2012ExpID: 101649
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 30 
Published: Jan 27, 2018Views: 2,517
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Pharmahuasca (822), DMT (18), Syrian Rue (45) : Bad Trips (6), Overdose (29), Multi-Day Experience (13), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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