Citation: Aurora. "What I Already Like Just More: An Experience with MDMA (exp100641)". Erowid.org. Apr 29, 2020. erowid.org/exp/100641
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 0:30
||(powder / crystals)
A friend and I headed off to a multi-day music festival. In the experience of the music, stimulation, and safe camp setting, I was prepared to try a few things I had not done before over the duration of the trip. I've heard of people having extremely positive experiences with Molly, but until this time, it didn't feel like the right setting for me.
In my own self-awareness, I know that I am a very casual user of most substances and that I tend to be a little more reserved than a lot of other people I encounter in scenes such as the festival I attended. So, it was very important for me to get my mind in the right place in advance of consuming so I had the peace of mind needed for a positive experience
it was very important for me to get my mind in the right place in advance of consuming so I had the peace of mind needed for a positive experience
. Our three non-negotiables were:
1 - Take your doses slowly and not recklessly. You can always take more, but you can't take less.
2 - Be together at all times. Do not lose one another. (After rolling, this rule seemed sort of a given.)
3 - No taking anyone back to the campsite or engaging in physical behavior we would feel guilty about the next day. (Both of us have serious relationships, and I was a little scared that Molly would suddenly make me want to get intimate with everybody. In hindsight, this wasn't really much of a concern, for me at least.)
We bought doses of about 100 mg each, crystal. Because neither of us had done this before, we decided to split the capsules and take a little bit at a time. We stored our pills in a safe place, entered the fest, and spent the first bit of time just getting acquainted with the setting. We also decided to just roll on the Molly -- as first-timers, we didn't want to mix the substance with anything else.
I wanted to time the effects with a band I was interested in seeing, so I took my first half about an hour before I hoped to begin feeling it. I heard that Molly can be a slow onset, but I was a little 'Am I feeling anything?' for awhile. The onset began slowly at first. I noticed as I was dancing that my skin felt super-smooth when I would find any friction. Also, it was raining at the time. My rain poncho's plastic felt abnormally smooth and nice, and the rain felt kind of cool pinging against my hands. However, when a rain drop got in my eye, I became more irritated about it than I think I would normally feel. It was as though I was feeling things as I would feel, just MORE. Things that were more pleasurable became more pleasurable. Things that were already irritating became more irritating.
As I said, it was raining, and my friend's clothes were pretty soaked from the rain. So, we decided to go back to our campsite and let her switch into something dry. I asked her how she was doing, and she told me she didn't really feel very much. I told her I had some sensation, but nothing major. This was probably about 1/2 hour after taking the first half. At the campsite, we decided to finish our capsules. Upon taking the rest, the effects were really starting to set in. I felt friendly and euphoric. Any worries or negative thoughts just didn't exist in my mind anymore. And for a reserved person like me, people all seemed nice. It didn't seem like such a big deal just to walk up to someone and say hello since we were all together enjoying this moment. If anything, I hope that my experience with Molly can carry forward and demonstrate that most people like it when you are friendly and say hello. People aren't so intimidating, I suppose.
As we were walking back to the festival, I enjoyed saying hello to the people I met along the way. It felt just fine being in their company for a few moments. And no, I did not feel any urge to suddenly rip off their pants or do anything physically uncomfortable. I was very platonic, just happy to be around people. While under the effects of Molly, I felt as though I COULD enjoy a lot of things -- most things were probably pleasurable if you just looked at them the right way. However, what I WANTED to enjoy were the things I already enjoyed. My priorities were very clear. When walking past a stage that played music I wouldn't typically listen to, I could understand why it would be enjoyable to dance to it and be a part of the moment. However, knowing there was music I REALLY liked on another stage, I still wanted to get to that. I felt very empathetic, but my empathy was attached to loyalty. I wanted to do good and kind things for everybody, but most of all, show all that goodness to the people and things I already loved.
My friend, who had not felt a thing as we were walking back to the campsite, had a sudden and powerful onset on the way back to the festival. However, her experience was not as good as mine was. She became very paranoid. All the people around her became, not sources of compassion and friendship as I saw them, but mildly frightening. She said her hairline felt like it had receded down toward her neck.
Though I took care of my own pre-prepping, I wish in hindsight I had asked her more about how she was doing. This was our first day of the festival, and she was tired and a little anxious from all the traffic of getting to our campsite. I think if she had more time to start in a good place, she would have felt this experience as positively as I felt it. Otherwise, there was no rush. We didn't need to take the pills the first night when we were already tired. As with all consciousness-altering experiences I've had, it really pays to make sure you start in a good place. It's one thing to do it for yourself, but be a good friend and make sure that those around you are feeling positive, too.
Upon realizing my friend's paranoia, my priorities changed from wanting to dance to the music to wanting to care for my friend. The Molly made me even more empathetic. Suddenly, her concerns became my concerns. After sitting her down in a grove of trees to calm down, we enjoyed the quiet and talked about her feelings. I didn't want her to suffer at all, so I told her we could go back to the campsite and just spend the night together without any noise or commotion. She apologized over and over again about making me miss the music. However, I genuinely didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. It was much more important for me to be with my friend and to make her feel better. To have the experiencing of caring for her and getting her out of a bad place seemed so much more meaningful. I assured her over and over again that I felt great just being her friend and taking care of her -- that was all I wanted, much more than hearing a band. She, nonetheless, did keep apologizing.
As we began our walk back to the tent, I felt quite Kevin Costner to her Whitney. I tried to maneuver us through the most open paths and to get us back quickly. When before, everyone I passed seemed lovely, I now had the desire to have them act more kindly to my friend. I was really displeased with the crowd when it spontaneously erupted in shouts and whoops because I knew this had to be confusing and traumatizing to my friend.
I held onto her arm and held her tight. I felt very happy when we got back to the tent and it was just the two of us. Away from all the commotion, she seemed to settle down and we enjoyed a very pleasant conversation together. It was nice using this experience just to take care of and get close to someone who is already very dear to me.
It was nice using this experience just to take care of and get close to someone who is already very dear to me.
I just felt lovely being around her, and I had (and have) no regrets about using that first experience to take care of someone I love and have a meaningful conversation (though of course I wish she never felt the paranoia to begin with).
Both of us had a hard time sleeping, even though we knew we were tired. So, we just talked or laid down, making sure to stay hydrated (I had a Camelbak with to keep water, which I recommend both for easy hydration and because the mouthpiece can alleviate some of the tooth grinding). I wished I had brought a notebook with me because I had so many positive things on my mind, so many hopes for the people I love that I wanted to make sure I shared with them. I thought about my family and my boyfriend, and I was just in a really good place thinking of it all.
The next morning, I was surprised at how nice I felt. I had a little residual euphoria (though not as much as the previous night), and I felt physically fine. I tend to get quite hungover from alcohol even in small doses, so I was worried about a Molly hangover. But, I felt perfectly fine. My friend felt good the next day, too. Our only issues were we both thought we ground our teeth too much in the night, and my teeth felt DIRTY the next morning. They were probably no more disgusting than usual, but because of the residual effects, felt very unclean and very nice to brush.
Because the Molly was a positive experience for me, I decided to do some more one more time during the festival. This time, I had powder rather than crystals (I was a little concerned that maybe this would be more likely to cut, since I was buying it at a fest and had to trust my gut with my source rather than personal knowledge, but it turned out just fine). My friend opted not to participate this time, which was fine with me. I understood why she wouldn't want to do it again, even if it would have been nice for her to feel the positive effects, too. I also knew from the last time I took it that I probably wasn't going to start licking the walls or getting too crazy. I was comforted from my last experience to know that I was still myself: I still liked the same things, I still had the same values -- I just felt very, very good and was happy to be around everyone.
This second time I rolled, I felt much as I had the first. Only, being in the fest setting allowed me to experience other things. I really enjoyed both experiences -- just getting to be very emotionally-intimate with a dear friend and being able to feel a community. The music was lovely. The colors were so vivid. The first band I saw had very nice, kaleidoscopic colors illuminating their stage. It was some chill, jammy music so I felt beautiful just sitting with my friend and grooving without getting too wild. I also found another person sitting nearby and enjoyed speaking with her. Again, in empathy, I found that a lot of people go to festivals in groups and it can be uncomfortable for an introverted person not in a group to feel much of a sense of community. So, I really wanted to show kindness to people who were by themselves. As the first band's set wrapped up, they shot off fireworks. Wow. Let me just say, fireworks while rolling were a spectacular sight. Probably dangerous to light off yourself, but positively beautiful as a spectator.
After that show, I went to another of a band that I really liked and had seen before. I was happy I got to get very close, but I was really disappointed that more people didn't come out for their show since they were such a sweet band. Because I wanted more people to enjoy it, I danced more and showed a lot of energy (keeping hydrated!). I had such a fun time with the band and the crowd. My friend who was completely sober got caught up in the energy and the fun, too.
My friend who was completely sober got caught up in the energy and the fun, too.
It was nice that we could still very much participate in the night together, that no one was precluded on if they chose to roll or not. It wasn't an exclusive experience. At one point between songs, there was a big bass rumble. Okay. I kind of get how the dubstep kids feel when the bass drops. It is kind of cool. But, still didn't turn me into a dubstep kid.
It was a magical way of ending the festival. As we were leaving for the night, one of the other bands that was more dubsteppy had a large crowd out. It would have been kind of fun to dance to, but my allegiances were still very much intact. I knew my friend wouldn't like it as much (plus wanted to hit the road soon since a mass exodus gives her anxiety), and I was a little bit sad that this band probably took away some of the people from the band I really liked. So, I enjoyed it as I walked through, confident the other people would carry plenty of energy for the night.
All in all, Molly was one of the most pleasant experiences I've had. My big take-aways are to make sure EVERYONE is in a good mood before starting, to be somewhat aware of the source so we are getting decent quality, and to be in a mindset and around people that share the same mindset of what makes US feel positive. Doing makes me happy and allowing for everyone else to be in a positive place, too.
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