Citation: Morninggloryseed. "Defragmentation And Factory Restore1: An Experience with Ibogaine (exp100221)". Erowid.org. Jul 17, 2015. erowid.org/exp/100221
Part Two: Later that year
This trip report will read a lot like the Seinfeld episode where time goes backwards, the end of the episode is at the start, and the start is at the ending.
I am a Beatles and Pink Floyd man and never thought native music would reach me. But all I listened to on ibogaine was native music from Gabon. These selections are the ones that really affected me on the experience so I ask you to play these songs when reading this. Maybe you will enjoy this music as much as I did.
I am working very hard to be at the point where I accept every word from another as a chance to reevaluate, and a challenge for me to defend my position, or open my mind to the idea it was wrong. A month ago or so I was telling people that I'll be opiate free for at last the next decade, only the perfect storm could change where I am at.
Now I am at the point where I do accept that ibogaine is FUCKING AMAZING and does work....but it still requires the user to operate heavy machinery. Ibogaine can be the grand reset button (with the right dose) but at some point the user has to accept responsibility for their path. Ibogaine cannot pilot the ship forever.....and who would want it too?
I can't speak for others but my ibogaine experience began with every trip I ever had....they all set the template and the mood. LSD, DMT, 1001 research chemicals, the whole lot were all 'training' for me. Ibogaine came into my life not just to free me from the conviction I had that my life was not worth anything without opiates....it came into my life to plant a seed in my brain that is growing, and I will work every day to continue nurturing it.
After the seed was planted and sprouted, I went on a 4 week period of 'reintroduction' surrounded by family who provided love and support and allowed me to just be, but also wanted to hear of my experience...and talking about it allowed me to rethink it all, look at where I am at, where others like me got too, and really take in the great divide between where I wanted to be, where I could be, and where I was at. In short, this was for me the 'follow up therapy' that every ibogaine practitioner says is NECESSARY for success. Without it, ibogaine is just as much a crap-shoot as taking LSD or any other psychedelic.
Then my oldest and dearest friend, sister, soul mate, etc....flew me out to sunny CA to remind me further, and to show me by example that working hard to be the best I can be will work...she showed me by simply being herself. The she reminded me of the fact that I turned her on to psychedelics when we were VERY YOUNG adults, and it changed where she wanted her life to lead...and man has that woman done/is doing SO MUCH.....and she reminded me that I turn on everyone I know, I always have, no one has ever had buyer's remorse...and maybe there is something more to it than I 'just like to trip.' I needed her affirmation. I am working to make all of those around me 'matter' but for so long; her opinion of myself was all I ever cared about. That she justified my path at that moment was probably more of a +4 than even the ibogaine.
The trip to CA showed me the life I want to live is all around me. Be it in CA, or where I am now, all I need to do is practice to better myself, keep the faith in the things I know to be true, share the knowledge I have learned, do not engage in bullshit, and with good intentions, all life around me will unfold in ways I could never foresee. It has happened every day since March 3rd, it gets stronger every day, and it has only begun. I know I will have pitfalls they are challenges along the way I will need to bridge in order to make the path I am on stronger. And every pitfall I overtake is a lesson I can share with those around me who need to hear it.
I know I am human, subject to the same fears and excesses anyone else is. But I also know the seed planted in my brain is all I ever will need again and as long as I work to continue on this path....nothing can ever change the way I see things.
The decade I spent in love with opiates and death was a necessary path I took, the reasons of which are still not clear....but I know it all happened for a very good reason and I would not change a thing. I also know every reason and every behavior pattern in my brain that made that life the one I wanted to live are no longer relevant to me today, I work hard to make it that way tomorrow, and I know everything is going to come out rosy for me.
Now that it has been two weeks since my ibogaine experience has concluded, I feel much stronger about making sweeping announcements about the nature of the experience and what it did for me. As of today, I still make one or two new ‘epiphanies’ about my new-found sobriety and the feeling of being free makes me higher than damn near anything.
Life has become very busy for lack of a better term. I seem left with little time to write about my experience nearly two weeks ago. Because pressing life issues unrelated to the subject of this report are currently eating at me, I feel little time to sit around and feel the joy and inner peace I now have since the demon was exorcised from me. But in the interest of giving word to those wondering how things worked out for me, I am going to try to write about what happened.
The utter disbelief at how complete this ibogaine worked for me is finally starting to fade. Here is the thing…I obtained the ibogaine specifically to relieve myself of the physical withdrawal from 10 years of opiate abuse. I never expected (or believed) it was possible to completely erase the part of my brain that loved, desired, and sought out opiates at the expense of relationships, finances, and health. I figured I would be left to deal with the nagging desire to get warm and fuzzy for the rest of my existence. But it seems that I do not have to. It still feels a bit weird to type but I swear my readers it is completely true:
As of today, I have no desire to ever use opiates again. The part of my brain that used to seek opiates for pain, pleasure, and all in between has been erased, reformatted, and no longer contributes to my programming.
To top it off, that pressing life issue (unrelated to MGS’s opiate addiction) I mentioned is giving me more stress now than I have ever experienced in my life. But not for a single second have I told myself that I can just buy some kratom or oxycodone and then things won’t bother me. The idea of taking an opiate to deal with my stress is absent, and even abhorrent to think about. It is as though the ibogaine went in and erased every opiate-taking instinct I ever had. This is nothing short of a miracle.
Finally some other unexpected observations post ibogaine therapy:
• I cannot smoke a cigarette. I still enjoy a puff from a pipe or smoking tobacco from a one-hitter but I have tried my own hand rolled (and expensive) tobacco and a friend’s Camels…and the results were the same….the taste nearly made me puke. Never expected this or even wanted it, but now it is so. No more tobacco smoking for MGS, save for a puff from a pipe.
• As of today, I cannot eat beef or pork but I still enjoy eating bird meat, dairy, and eggs. Where on earth this came from, I have no idea. I have no moral objections to eating meat and I am convinced humans were not meant to be vegans. But sure enough post ibogaine, I have not been able to eat beef or pork and when offered meat at dinner, I almost became sick at the idea. Holy shit! In addition, I stopped eating prepared foods and have essentially gone on a all raw, except for chicken at dinner or eggs for breakfast. My digestion is far healthier now, I feel better than I have ever felt, and I think I even look better.
• I do not seem to ‘need’ my amphetamine or lorazapam. The first couple days after taking the ibogaine I was extremely fatigued and resumed my dose of amphetamine in the morning and sleeper at night. But when my scripts ran out the other day I decided to try without. Sure enough all I seem to need now is a cup of coffee and I am working away. Sleep at night comes on its own, and I dream and awake refreshed. Now I cannot say I have no desire to ever use amphetamines or stimulants again.
I still look forward to the way speed focuses me into music production, or helps me focus deeply on writing. But I do not feel like I ‘need’ amphetamine anymore and I am not sitting around longing for it now that my script is empty. Same with the lorazapam and every single reason I ever used benzodiazepines are no longer a reality for me, so continuing to take them does not make sense. Now I realize that save for marijuana or other ‘noids’ I am now “drug free.” This was not something I expected from ibogaine or even wanted. But it now seems to be the reality.
I have always said (of people with addictions) that you haven’t quit until a year has gone by. Ok, so if I hold myself to that standard I can say that I am surer of anything that in a year I will still be free of narcotic addiction, and I will only be using other drugs with moderation. Ibogaine is more than a miracle isn’t it?
My best friend who was with me as I underwent this experience commented that he notices significant differences in my personality…this nearly two weeks past the therapy date. Specifically, the aura of sadness he ascribes to my personality is gone. He commented that I seem to have a new sense of optimism, even in the face of the new stressor I must now deal with, and a new ability to deal with life stressors that he never associated with my personality before.
It has been a while since I have written a trip report. Part of that is because I don’t take psychedelics much anymore, and I suppose part of that is because the rare times I do take one…it seems to be 2C-B or 2C-C. I love both of them, but neither tends to inspire me to write up compelling reports...they are very well known to me.
In the past year, I left my Colorado home to return to family and try to fix up the life I have all but managed to destroy for myself. The ever present struggle with opiates is a huge part of this ‘fixing up.’ I have been mostly free of opiates in recent months, but I suffer greatly from Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). I do not sleep more than a few hours a night (if at all) and I live with constant anxiety and background stimulation. In the evening and at night I have no ability to relax and move past the constant tension my CNS and PNS make me live with. I have been unable to return to anything close to a normal sleep schedule, and unable to seriously consider looking for work while I am a sleep deprived zombie.
I first mentioned ibogaine to my family a year ago, and they were open to it. For reasons I still do not understand, I completely put it out of my mind soon after and all the months I had the money to buy grams of it…I never did. When I ran out of savings recently and had to quit buying kratom I went through some serious hell of withdrawal. Sure, that was not the same as withdrawal from prolonged heavy opium pod use, and nothing like withdrawal from suboxone….but it was still more serious than I realized it would be and one night at 3:00am while laying there wide awake, fighting off the thoughts of going to the shop to buy kratom when the sun rose…I suddenly thought of ibogaine again.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote this.
“I am now past the acute sickness, but I sleep very little. Sometimes I am up for days. I do not mentally crave opiates, but my cells still scream for them like a person drowning needs that oxygen. As more time goes by, I see the benefits of being sober but that demon in me makes this unrealistic. I also realize that the amphetamines and opiates kind of all fit together in my particular type of poly drug addiction. Maybe even the pot does too. Ok, I don’t think speed and pot are ‘addictive’ but they all do fit into a set of behaviors that always lead me back to opiate use, needle use, and finally giving up and wanting to die.
I’ve been aware of iboga since I was 13 and read of it in “Chocolate To Morphine.” And I have been thinking for months now of flooding my brain with ibogaine because nothing else in the past 10 years has ever moved me to help myself, nor have I ever been able to deal with the long term WD [withdrawal] stuff. I don’t think I really think ibogaine can 'cure' me but I am hoping for a “level playing field” so my cells don’t drive me so crazy I end up doing things I regret (relapse). I think ibogaine can at least make the idea of staying away from habitual opiate use realistic to me, where as I have never been able to achieve that before. I hope ibogaine will give me a better chance to achieving a circumstance where the decisions I make will finally lead to the elusive “self-contained state of happiness.”
A wonderful soul from long ago who knew of my pitiful financial situation offered to pay for the ibogaine, and with his blessing I ordered it. A long 2 ½ week wait, the package finally arrived. I asked my friend (B) to spend the night and be there just in case, and finalized the plans to eat the ibogaine later that night.
I took the first dose at about 1:50am on Friday. This was a 'test dose’ of about 150mg “Total Alkaloid” (TA) preparation containing about 60mg-75mg ibogaine hcl.
I took the first dose at about 1:50am on Friday. This was a 'test dose’ of about 150mg “Total Alkaloid” (TA) preparation containing about 60mg-75mg ibogaine hcl.
I was surprised to note a definite alert within about 20 minutes and about an hour later, I was a good +1 ½ and all anxiety was gone; replaced with a warm positive feeling. The ibogaine felt friendly and at peaceful so I took the rest of my dose at 3:40am….1 gram of pure ibogaine hcl and ¾ gram of TA.
As soon as I swallowed it, I finished preparing around my bed for a long night…..found a long selection of Bwiti music looped to play indefinitely, then turned off the lights. No sooner did I do that, the experience began.
In the beginning, (visually at least) there was a strong resemblance to LSD. But with eyes closed, it was far more like a dream-state than any kind of LSD trip. In fact, it was similar to the brain movies that were a part of my one and only MMDA experience and was really impressed that Claudio Naranjo was able to pick up on this when he gave ibogaine, MMDA, and other materials in psychotherapy.
Suddenly, I was no longer in the room on the floor. With eyes closed, I could see shades of green that gradually became a discernible forest. I was traveling down towards the canopy of the trees, now past them and I approach the hills and valleys below. There were hundreds of people, maybe more, down there singling and drumming, and praying, and creating this energy that echoed and reverberated from everywhere around me. I was part of this huge ibogaine divination, there to experience it as one of the tribe. There was little time emotionally to reflect on this remarkable transformation of time and space.
Soon with eyes closed, I began to see masks and faces of people that I assume were Bwiti initiates. The images became more rapid and more detailed. Soon, the images changed from masks and faces to scenes more familiar to me. I was now a part of this inner show, instead of an observer. Sadly, the content of these visions is still completely fresh but I am at a loss to try to describe this phase of the trip. Gradually things began to intensify and the energy and buzzing began to light up all existence. Is this redemption? Is this forgiveness?
At the height of the experience, my every sense became enveloped with the spirit of iboga. I could taste it in my tongue, I could smell it in my nose, and I could see it with me eyes, it was showing me its soul and make up through my closed eyelids. The iboga presented itself as yellow lines on a green background that gradually became more colored and detailed. Soon the images became words, information, stories that I could clearly read and absorb at the time. I had an experience on MMDA that was somewhat similar, but this was far more detailed and real.
This took place over a few hours until the sun came up. Suddenly I was back in my body and back in the room tripping my butt off. Only a few hours had gone by, but now I was clearly past the ‘visionary’ stage and moving into the ‘insight and reflection’ stage of the trip. Now that I was back in my body and back in the room, I could see the ibogaine visuals in full force and they were astounding. The visual effects were mostly LSD-like, but they had a unique in their own way. The tracers were insane, trails of trails of trails. There were also a lot of ‘DMT entities” or ‘gnomes’ that would stand around and suddenly dart out across the room. Such visual experiences may have been uncomfortable for some, but as a veteran of countless DMT trips, I found myself laughing at this, even trying to encourage the gnomes to jump on me.
Another interesting visual experience: I had a microphone stand around me that is quite tall and hits the ceiling when I move it. I saw what I assumed where black scuff marks all over the ceiling caused from this stand scratching up on the paint. During the height of the ibogaine experience, these black lines would move and sway with the music, and eventually they began to form words, messages, patterns. Later on Sunday, I looked up and realized there were no black lines on the ceiling.
I remained in this state for the remainder of the day. At the time, not much seemed to be happening…it was mostly a typical psychedelic comedown. I felt relaxed, giddy, enveloped by a feeling beyond myself, and flooded by mind blowing visual distortions. This seemed like mere amusement but about 24hr after the first dose, I noticed a feeling that I have not felt since I was stable on my suboxone in 2006: I was not worried nor was I even thinking about the coming withdrawal.
Even during the years I was on the suboxone, there was always the background noise of appointments, co-pays, refills, etc, etc etc. As soon as I acknowledged this feeling, I broke out into tears and took a step back to take it all in. While this knowledge sunk in, I also felt an amazingly relaxed body feeling; the tension, background stimulation, disharmony, tiredness, fatigue that I learned to live with for 10 years became nonexistent. I felt ‘good.’
Even the past few months of being mostly opiate free (save for a prescription of Percocet and codeine after some dental procedures), I still dealt with constant residual ‘post acute withdrawal symptoms.’ These were mostly tolerable during the day, but when I was alone at night I would constantly think about how I felt, and how much I knew I would feel better if I got opiates for the next day.
Having taken the other dose of TA, and understanding how ibogaine feels in the body compared to the total alkaloid product; I now have more insight into the chronology and nature of the ibogaine experience. The ibogaine at any dose seems to be felt within 20-30 minutes, quickly reaches a peak at about the 1 ½ hr point. This is what many call the ‘visionary’ stage and stays there for a few hours. On the surface I was reminded most of LSD. At the high dose I took (about 1 ½ grams of ibogaine), the experience was at least as strong as 200ug LSD.
The first effects were felt within 20-30 minutes and were fully developed by the 1 ½ hr point. It felt “indole psychedelic-like” to me, it had a clear relationship to the world of LSD, especially with the rocket-like launch to a peak and also with open eyes, the visual movement and distortions were more like LSD than anything else. But when I closed my eyes, the experience bore no relation to LSD. Then I would go into a dream-like state where my subconscious mind became the entire experience. My sense of self was in a forest in Gabon, but I was free to drift off with this teacher, Iboga, and mind-meld with it.
The peak or ‘visionary’ state lasted a good two or three hours and then the effect became more one with my body and surroundings as it entered the ‘insight’ stage. I could still drift on and off to the deep sub consciousness, or I could keep my eyes open, play with the visual effects (which were very strong), or think about the specific events of the trip. This lasted about 20 hr at which point I realized I was not in withdrawal anymore and I felt like I did before becoming addicted.
The effect then entered the ‘reflection’ state where I could absorb what happened and this continued (with visuals that did die down gradually) for another 24hr or so. The entire trip did last the advertised “2 days” but at no point was it exhausting, overwhelming, or unpleasant. I loved the way iboga/ibogaine felt and it is something I would not hesitate to revisit. I did vomit about 4 hr into the trip, but it was not forced or unpleasant…I don’t even think I was nauseous for more than a second or two.
At no time was there any feeling of ‘physical roughness’ and nothing even approaching ‘residual stimulation.’ I would even add that at the dose I took, ibogaine was less speedy than even just 40mg of my scripted amphetamine preparation. Ibogaine had a push to it, no doubt. But it wasn’t speedy. Perhaps it was 'stimulating' in the way LSD can be, or even mescaline, but it never once for a second felt 'amphetamine-like.' All in all it was generally relaxing more than not.
Mentally, there were a lot of personal issues that cycled in my head...including many things I have consciously blocked myself from realizing for years. I basically relived a lot of painful past events and current realities as though there were new fresh experiences. While it was difficult, it was never torturous. These feelings are a part of who I am and I was allowed to re-experience and relive all the trauma associated with them. It was painful to go through but necessary.
Indeed, the 'opiate addict' aspect the ibogaine experience seemed to work on a completely subconscious level. During the trip, I really wasn't ever made to focus on it. Perhaps I even stopped thinking about it until that 24hr period when I first noted I was not feeling any WD.
In retrospect, there are so many misconceptions about ibogaine that it is ridiculous. The constant (incorrect) theme I read is that iboga is some dangerous, harrowing psychedelic, only for hardcore addicts, that produces a trip no one would want to undertake except in the most extreme situations (like opiate dependency.)
I think the problem is that outside of the Bwiti context, 90% of what you read about iboga is related to using it to treat addicts. And addicts often take other drugs (and hide it) and addicts are often not as healthy as non-addicts and all of these factors affect the outcome of ibogaine treatment.
And whether ibogaine can stop acute withdrawal in 45 minutes or not....going into a psychedelic trip while in withdrawal is going to be rough...no way around that. It is slightly discouraging to see so many overlook what iboga may have to offer because there is SO MUCH misconception surrounding this magic plant. Iboga is THE psychedelic plant if there ever was one. Iboga CAN be euphoric. Iboga CAN be fun, it CAN induce a ++++ resulting in 48hr post bliss/feelings of being reborn. Fun and euphoria are not a negative outcome either...sometimes it seems like psychonauts think they should not be having fun, or that 'fun trips' = not serious/recreation. Wrong. Fun = important for happy life.
Really, I've been studying ibogaine fairly extensively now and I can say that even with all of the reading I did, all the preparation I did....I knew nothing of what I was in for until I took it. When I did ibogaine, it was so VERY different from what I expected. That people who have never taken it are telling others how long it lasts, that they will 'lose all connection with reality', etc is a little annoying. While those things may happen at time during the ibogaine trip, the words simply do not convey the real nature of the ibogaine experience at all. Not for 99% of the people I have spoken with who tried it. Certainly 300ug LSD causes way more 'unreality' than even 1 1/4g ibogaine hcl. And I will even go so far as to say a smallish dose of ibogaine (150-200mg) is more fun and euphoric than a low dose LSD trip....but that is just me.
If I had a piece of advice to give it would be this.....if I as an addict can get past acute withdrawal in preparation for iboga than anyone else can too. Ibogaine obviously works and works well for interrupting acute withdrawal but if you work hard to get past that on your own...you may find ibogaine not only erases your drug taking instincts...but goes a few steps further by planting a seed in your brain that begins a whole new life...well beyond the scope of drugs. A month post ibogaine, I still don't eat red meat, smoke tobacco, etc and these are things I never imagined ibogaine would give me. It's not just a new outlook; it is that my instincts have changed. My instinct is now to live and live well. I never had this before and never in a million years could have imagined ibogaine would foster this.
And unlike other psychedelics that may foster change but will require hard WORK to maintain the change, the changed brought on by ibogaine came with no work. It is not hard to maintain this because my brain was rewired to be this way now.
Yes readers, ibogaine is a miracle if there ever was one (in the context of healing plants).
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