Amanitas - A. muscaria
Citation: Buckminster Campione. "I Know What I Must Do: An Experience with Amanitas - A. muscaria (exp100030)". Erowid.org. Feb 7, 2022. erowid.org/exp/100030
It was my 30th birthday, and I wanted to have a profound experience. It was a Friday night and I had the weekend off, so I didn't have work on my mind; in short, I felt free from worry at the time. I had an ounce of A.M. powder, and I had read about the experience of others and dosage recommendations.
I took half an ounce of powder and mixed it with apple sauce to mask the taste. I ate the entire bowl in one sitting. Since it is a legal substance I didn't expect much from it; just a mild euphoria and feeling of relaxation. Boy was I wrong.
After an hour and thirty minutes, I still didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. I was tired because I worked that day and had been up since early that morning, so I decided to call it a night and went to bed. I ended up falling asleep for a little while (about 30 - 45 minutes) and that's when it hit me.
I woke up so fast and immediately ran down the stairs in a panic. The entire time I heard a voice in my head that was scolding me, saying 'You f***ed up! This is it.' I really had the sensation that I intoxicated myself to the point that I was going to die. I went into the restroom thinking that I was going to vomit, but it didn't happen.
I started to get really hot so I took all my clothes off except for my boxers. After that I ran to fridge and started chugging the milk like a madman. After this, I went back to the bathroom and hoped I would vomit. This is when the profound experience started to kick in.
Time started to slow down tremendously. I felt like my mind was split in half. My rational side was being overtaken by my irrational side. I had accepted that this really was it, and I had poisoned myself to the point of dying. I wasn't going to call the ambulance, I was going to face the consequence (so I thought). My heart was pumping very irregularly, and my whole body was trembling.
My heart was pumping very irregularly, and my whole body was trembling.
Once I had accepted that I was going to die, I felt like I was my own judge - that it was my decision of my next destination. I grew up Catholic, so I was raised with the whole heaven and hell bit. I stopped believing in that when I was about 19, so it was strange that those were the only two places that came to mind. The voice in my head kept scolding me, 'What's it gonna be? Heaven or hell?' I went through this loop for what seemed like a half hour, but my concept of time was off.
I would say that after an hour of repeating thought loops and terror from dealing with this foreign state of mind, I was finally able to understand it and turn it into a positive experience.
I started to bargain with God. I don't speak with him much, but I have faith that he (or it) is there. I asked him to take care of my heart, and I used this thought loop state of mind that I was in for the better. Next thing I know, I could ask him anything, and I would immediately get an answer that made sense to me. Amazingly, when I spoke to 'God', I felt like I was speaking to myself. I had the great feeling that I am God, or rather an expression of him. The decisions that I make are a reflection of the decisions that God makes. This was definitely the most profound understanding that I took from this experience.
This is not fun at all to take. I didn't understand that, as my only prior experience was with recreational substances. This was a HUGE difference. I would say that only those who truly seek wisdom in their life and can deal with 'crossing over' to foreign states of mind can use this substance effectively. This stuff should be reserved for priests and shamans only.
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