I hadn\u2019t seen Crank Boy in days. This was not uncommon; Crank Boy often went missing for months at a time, and then he\u2019d turn up on a street corner somewhere, high on mushrooms and covered in someone else\u2019s vomit, shouting into his cell phone at his stock broker and trying desperately to avoid the law man\u2019s Taser. But this was different. He\u2019d been leaving me cryptic emails and text messages for weeks, something about \u201cthe Project\u201d and \u201cwait ’til you see the progress I\u2019ve made on the Project\u201d and \u201cyou, of all people, will definitely appreciate the Project.\u201d I just kept my mouth shut, knowing that Crank Boy would reveal all in the fullness of time, or, barring that, would reveal all in an accidental drunken stupor one night before passing out on my lawn.<\/p>\n
Finally, though, I got the invitation to come visit his compound in Canada; he was finally ready to reveal the Project to me in all its glory and splendor. He greeted me as I got out of the car with a hearty \u201coh, you\u2019re<\/em> here\u201d and then proceeded to take me around the side of his ramshackle shanty to the backyard. There, I found myself staring at an enormous mound of dirt.<\/p>\n \u201cFunny,\u201d I said, \u201cI don\u2019t remember this enormous mound of dirt from the last time I visited.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe last time you visited,\u201d Crank Boy replied, \u201cthis entire vast expanse was nothing but beautiful green lawn, immaculately tended. It had to be sacrificed, however\u2026 for the Project.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd what exactly is this Project you keep babbling about?\u201d<\/p>\n He grinned at me, and the sunlight sparkled off his gold tooth. \u201cCome, let me show you.\u201d<\/p>\n We climbed aboard a golf cart and began riding around the dirt mound, until at last we arrived on the opposite end of the lawn. As the cart rolled to a halt, I felt my jaw dropping almost unnaturally as an enormous pit in the earth came into view. It was vast and deep, reminiscent of a strip mine or a meteor impact zone. Several cranes were perched on the edges of the pit. A bulldozer was parked at the bottom, and as I climbed out of the cart, I noticed a small cavern dug into the side of the pit, leading off into darkness.<\/p>\n \u201cSo this is the Project,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, this is it,\u201d Crank Boy replied.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere did you get the energy to do all this?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have<\/em> heard there\u2019s a methamphetamine epidemic, right?\u201d<\/p>\n We stood quietly in the afternoon sun for a few moments.<\/p>\n Finally, I said, \u201cSo what the fuck is it exactly?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m digging a tunnel to the United States. I\u2019m going to use it for smuggling.\u201d<\/p>\n We stood quietly again in the afternoon sun for a few moments.<\/p>\n Finally, I said, \u201cAre you out of your fucking mind?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d Crank Boy exclaimed. \u201cOf course not! I have it all figured out! For starters, the main problem with most smuggling tunnels is that they are dirty and cramped. I am making a luxury<\/em> tunnel! It\u2019s got air conditioning and Muzak and regular vending machines! Plus, who likes crawling in a tunnel? Do you like crawling? Does anybody but a precious little baby enjoy crawling? No \u2013 which is why this tunnel is fully equipped with rocket-powered toboggans! Don\u2019t you understand? This is a revolution<\/em> in drug-smuggling tunnels! No one in the history of drug-smuggling tunnels has ever envisioned such a wonder! People will come from miles around to witness the majesty of this tunnel!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat people?\u201d I said. \u201cTourists? The media?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I\u2019m talking about smuggling tunnel aficionados<\/em>. Anyway, the best part is that I will finally be able to smuggle my enormous stash across the border and distribute it to gullible, idiot Americans who don\u2019t know any better. The profit I make will easily pay for the investment in the tunnel, and allow me to live a life of style for a change! I won\u2019t be getting the generic TV dinners \u2013 it\u2019s going to be Swanson\u2019s from now on<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d I said slowly, \u201cI don\u2019t mean to be a killjoy here\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cOh yes you do, Scotto,\u201d he replied. \u201cWith every fiber of your being, you scream<\/em> killjoy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight, well, aside from that, let me just point out a few things. One: do you see those gentlemen over there?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhere?\u201d Crank Boy struggled through his severe nystagmus to follow my pointing finger into the distance.<\/p>\n \u201cUp there, in the trees,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d he said suddenly, \u201cthose guys with the binoculars and the DEA caps?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, they\u2019re waving at us.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure, yeah, I see them. They\u2019re the neighbors.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cActually, Crank Boy\u2026 they\u2019re the DEA.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat? Shut the fuck up! That\u2019s just Harold and Ted! They bring over crumpets in the morning! We watch hockey! The DEA wouldn\u2019t watch hockey!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re the DEA, Crank Boy. Also: how far have you gotten on this tunnel?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHuh? Oh\u2026 I\u2019d have to check with the foreman, but I\u2019d say we\u2019re at least fifteen or maybe even twenty miles in now. With our advanced tunneling technology, we have a fifteen percent per day advantage over traditional tunnelers. Our trick is we use trained monkeys with powerful robotic shovels to–\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight. Your compound is in the Yukon, Crank Boy. The nearest American city is approximately 1,035 miles away. At the rate you\u2019ve been going, I suspect you\u2019ll reach America right around\u2026 right around the heat death of the universe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, come on, you just don\u2019t want to do math in your head.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOne last thing: this stash you\u2019re planning on moving\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, maybe things have changed recently and I just didn\u2019t hear, but\u2026 I\u2019m pretty sure that catnip isn\u2019t illegal in the United States.\u201d<\/p>\n We stood quietly once more in the afternoon sun for a few moments. Crank Boy blinked.<\/p>\n \u201cIt isn\u2019t?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I replied, \u201cit isn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDamn,\u201d he said ruefully. \u201cHow the fuck am I going to pay for all those monkey jumpsuits?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I hadn\u2019t seen Crank Boy in days. This was not uncommon; Crank Boy often went missing for months at a time, and then he\u2019d turn up on a street corner somewhere, high on mushrooms and covered in someone else\u2019s vomit, shouting into his cell phone at his stock broker and trying desperately to avoid the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=27"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=27"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=27"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.erowid.org\/columns\/scotto\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=27"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}