The third night of Burning Man L and I decided to take MDMA with a group of our friends, including my roommate M, three good friends of mine (T, J and G) and several of their friends that I didn't know as well. We took the MDMA at 10:30 p.m. in clear capsules containing 120 mg of pure, white MDMA.

It didn't take long to feel the first effects. I alerted fifteen minutes later, and as I announced it several other people chimed in and said that they had alerted almost simultaneously with me. After the first alert, a warm, happy feeling began gathering in and around my heart and solar plexus and it spread quickly from there to the rest of my being.

Around 11:00 I had to get up and retrieve a few items from our RV. In the RV I had a bit of trouble finding what I was looking for. I was definitely feeling the MDMA ramping up quickly and it made me eager to get back to the company of my friends. I almost gave up and returned empty handed, but at the last minute I turned up my drum (the object that had been eluding me) and was able to go back with my aims accomplished.

I hurried back to the dome and found it much as I had left it. Several people were hitting drums, shaking shakers or vocalizing. I handed L the blanket I had retrieved (it was a cold Burning Man) and sat down. I began hitting my drum somewhat in time with the others, making a joyful noise. The sensation of hitting the drum felt good and the sense of communion with the people around me as we moved to a single beat felt even better.

After a few minutes of drumming and singing the circle broke up. Everyone agreed that it had been an incredible feeling, but it just seemed time to quit. More traditional rolling tricks ensued. L and I had a huge bag of roll toys that we had brought. We got everything out and started caressing people with feather dusters and back massagers. It was an incredible amount of fun.

I carried on several conversations with the people around me. With one girl I talked about why I love Burning Man so much. It was her first year and she had mentioned she was having a great time and was really impressed with the whole event. I agreed and told her that what I loved most about it was its ephemeral nature. I find it incredibly beautiful and profound that so many people work so hard to create something of such beauty, knowing full well that it will last only a brief moment before disappearing again. So many people labor under the illusion that what they are doing is important and permanent it is refreshing and encouraging to see people putting so much love and talent into creating something beautiful with the awareness that it will live for only a few moments. She thanked me for putting it so eloquently and I smiled, pleased by her compliment. Sometimes it just rolls out of me...

We got up several times to make the trek to the portapotties. Whenever we did so I would see people that weren't tripping with us that I like very much and have to stop and tell them so and give them hugs. It felt so good and so right to hug these people and tell them what I really thought of them. It isn't always easy for me to express my love for others, and this is one of the things I value about MDMA. I have made progress in doing this without chemical aids, but much of that progress is due to my MDMA experiences.

L and I spent a lot of time cuddling and talking to one another. All through the night I felt an incredible, deep connection to and love for her. My mind went over our time together as a couple, our days together at Burning Man and our possible future together. I had been thinking of proposing to her for some time and suddenly I knew it was the right time. I looked at her and said, "Do you want to get married?" She looked back at me with such a look of such sweet surprise that the moment was frozen forever in my mind. I rephrased the question "Will you marry me?" and she quickly responded "Yes!" and hugged me close to her.

She sat back and asked if I was just rolling, did I mean it, would I mean it tomorrow? I told her what I had been thinking, how long I had been considering it and revealed that the MDMA had merely helped me suspend my fears and insecurities long enough to do what I really wanted to do. She melted into my arms and we sat back, glowing. We talked quietly, deciding not to hurry to tell anyone.

By this time the trip was starting to wane just a bit. M, L, G and myself decided to try an experiment. I had heard that 5-HTP (a nutritional supplement) could be used to boost an MDMA trip in place of a second dose of MDMA. We each took 150 mg. To our delight, it seemed to work very well. Within fifteen or twenty minutes we were feeling the effects come back to their original level, where they stayed for another hour or better. Definitely a worthwhile investment, especially since 5-HTP is also supposed to ease the come down and reduce any possible neurological damage.

It was getting colder and colder in the dome we were in, so the party was moved indoors to a friend's RV. M, L and I headed out to the bathrooms before heading inside. On the way back in we stopped to talk for a minute. M seemed to have some things on his mind and I asked him if he wanted to talk. We sat down in the dome and began talking.

M is a great guy, one of my best friends and favorite people. He is very quiet and usually not the type to talk about his troubles. Apparently the MDMA allowed him to overcome whatever blocks he usually has to talking about sensitive issues, because he really opened up. He told me about his feelings about a fairly recent tragic event in his life, his lifelong problems with depression, and related issues. It was incredible. It gave L and I a chance to let him know that we both love him and value his company. It was a great conversation and I value it very much. I feel M and I are better friends for having had it and I definitely feel that I understand him better as a person.

Eventually someone came into the dome with us, prompting us to get up and go into the RV. Inside, everyone was melted into a large cuddle puddle. People were lying on top of one another, caressing and touching and being loving. L and I sat in the corner, her on my lap. We joined in the general, casual conversation and touching. I felt incredibly at peace. A few people were actually making out and L and I did a little bit of that ourselves.

My friend G came over and put his head on L's chest. We began stroking his head and neck. He moved a bit to where he could kiss L's neck. I kissed her ears and face simultaneously. She was intensely into what we were doing, getting off on being kissed by two guys. In addition, G looks an awful lot like me, so it was a little like having two of me for her. She liked it. G began actually kissing her mouth and caressing her body. At that point it felt a little awkward, but I accepted it as a normal progression of what had just happened and relaxed into it. It was well within the boundaries that L and I have set up, since we have a slightly nontraditional relationship. After a few minutes they stopped and we sat back and continued our conversations.

My friend T got out some nitrous balloons and passed them around. L did one and collapsed back onto me while it worked its way through her brain. After she was done I accepted one myself. I huffed it in and out of the balloon for thirty seconds to a minute before I got it all and leaned back to zoom.

And zoom I did. I have had nitrous experiences ranging from mildly amusing to intensely illuminating and this was definitely well into the intensely illuminating side of the scale. As the world flanged around me I felt space-time and causality collapse into a larger tapestry of energy. I became aware of the patterns that underlie reality, the interactions these patterns have with each other and the effects these interactions have on our lives. I saw many different elements of my life in this tapestry and felt a sense of absolute rightness at where I was and what was happening. I knew that my proposing to L was right, that everything was coming together and the beauty of life was unfolding within and without me. It was ineffable and incredibly beautiful.

After I came back I was awed. I was still seeing everything in a sort of symbolic/abstract way. I definitely felt as if I was on a deeper psychedelic than MDMA. After I returned fully I asked L if she were ready to leave. She indicated she wanted to stay for a while longer so I relaxed and thought about my nitrous catalyzed revelations. Fifteen minutes or so later I asked her again if she was ready to go and she assented.

Back in our RV we kissed and cuddled and talked about the night. We crawled into bed and enjoyed the remnants of the MDMA and what it did for our sense of touch. Eventually we began having sex. The sex felt really good, but as usual I was unable to reach orgasm because of the MDMA. I didn't mind though, since it felt good all the same. Afterwards we drifted off to sleep curled up against one another.

Once again I noticed with MDMA that the next day, many of the fine details of the experience faded from my memory, leaving only impressions of what happened, conversations I had, etc. Part of this is due to the nature of the experience, which is emotional rather than intellectual. Still, I find myself wishing I had better recall of the trip afterward rather than the "warm and fuzzy" overall impression that I am left with. As nice as MDMA is and as useful as it can be, it seems to be another limiting factor in my enjoyment of the experience and another reason to use it infrequently.

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