Things hadn't been going well for L and I since we moved in together. Contrary to my hopes and expectations, things had taken a turn for the worse after we got our things settled into our new home. Our relationship was in worse shape than it had ever been and I was beginning to think it might really be over.
With this weighing on me I decided to smoke some 5-MeO-DMT to try and sort through my feelings. I had had some luck in the past with it facilitating insight into my problems and hoped it might do the same here. I loaded a large hit and took a few minutes to relax before vaporizing and inhaling it in a big inhalation of hot plastic.
I had seconds to set the pipe down before the universe shook itself into its component atoms and swirled into my brain. My eyes closed and my internal screen was covered with deep, multilayered patterns describing something profound and unintelligible to waking consciousness. I managed to lie down as my brain kicked into overdrive and began processing and filtering my thoughts, feelings and fears.
On some level I was aware that my consciousness was working on the problem I had given it. For the most part I was just tripping nuts in a swirling cosmic maelstrom. I felt no fear, no discomfort as the universe put on a show for me, taking itself apart and reconfiguring itself before my squeegeed third eye. For another short infinity everything made perfect sense.
The room reformed as I was born again into the manifest universe. With the room my ego coalesced into being and examined my newly clarified thoughts on life. I felt great. Everything had been made clear in a flash. I was bored. I had been boring L and I was tired of it. I knew why she was drawing away and I understood and accepted it. In a way I welcomed it. I had taken things too seriously, been so worried I would lose her that I hadn't stopped to ask myself if that was such a bad thing. I knew it was time to let go, to relax and let what happened happen. I knew there was still a chance we could work it out and stay together, but only if I allowed things to happen on their own and stopped trying to force the issue. I accepted the fact that we might be over, I realized there were other girls and other loves to be had and I resolved not to dwell on what might have been if it suddenly ended. I knew I still loved her and she loved me, but I realized that we might just be too different to make it work. And I realized that everything was OK, everything is perfect forever and that things would work out for the best. I let go of my attachment and breathed in the love I felt for her, savoring it.
I was glowing. The experience had been exactly what I had hoped for. Things that had seemed hopeless now seemed filled with joy. The possibility that things would soon be over was no longer a dread burden but just another possibility, leading to other possibilities. The universe was still working right, it hadn't forsaken me. I accepted what had happened and what might still happen. I wished L were there for me to talk to her, to apologize to and explain. I knew it didn't matter, that what I felt would be as real tomorrow as it was right then. I knew things were going to be OK even if L and I broke up that minute. I let go of my fear and embraced the possibilities I had been presented.