Citation: Karakal. "Affective Catapulting: experience with Caffeine (ID 66305)". Erowid.org. Dec 29, 2010. erowid.org/exp/66305
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Note: I do not know what effects are typical, or unique to me, I really wish there was more information on similar caffeine intoxications.
I'm a 24 year old male with Lupus for 2 years now. It's a rheumatic disease that saps my energy and makes me chronically achey, though my medications do work effectively enough for me to function sufficiently to hold a job. I have been taking Prednisone daily, which is a corticosteroid that modulates my immune system and controls the inflammatory symptoms, and I take 50mg of Azatioprine (Imuran) each day to further suppress immune function. Despite what I read... neither of these medications have caused me any side effects at all, and have only benefited me. Prednisone is a very 'liberating' medicine.
In the past I used to be an avid jogger and I loved weightlifting and being so fit and lively. I seriously miss those good old days. Since Iíve had Lupus Iíve had virtually no sex drive, or at least it's extremely difficult for me to find interest in most anything. Although I do have my occasional good days, they tend to be few and far between. However, I have found that whenever I tried your average everyday energy drink, I notice that I always have a really good day, no crashes or anything. But I only limited myself to occassional use, when I know I would need it, like if I had to do some housework, moving, or socializing. Although in recent times I got into the habit of having tea and coffee daily as most people do, and I would use instant coffee in particular, because I like the idea that I can control the concentrations. I'd often make myself a 'double' or triple serving. I noticed that the more I had, the better I felt. The more alive and energetic I felt.
I've been without a job for a couple months now, boredom, monotony, and loneliness begin to set in from being on an involuntary vacation. A nice caffeine buzz always made me feel better, even if I wasn't accomplishing anything. I've used caffeine to brighten my good moods... I think of caffeine as an 'Amplifier' for whatever I feel. I've Iím happy, it made me real happy. If I felt triumphant about something, it made me feel like I just won the lottery. If I just beat someone in an argument (which I love doing because of my rather egotistical Narcissistic personality) it made me feel like I owned the world or something.
It helps me think and concentrate very intensely on things, and I do not experience the typical jitteryness or tension that I see depicted in the typical 'too much coffee' stereotype. I notice I can type much faster and I can actually speak far quicker and more articulate than usual. I'm able to form more naturally coherent thought trains than I usually do, and thusly I obviously find this to be an attractive effect for me. Also, when I feel more energetic, I find it much more conducive to sexual activity too, though usually nothing too spectacular. The afterglow to a typical orgasm just coincides well with the alert feeling of the caffeine.
One Saturday when I had all day to myself and I figured I should go all the way and I figured Iíd give myself a treat by celebrating. I've just recently found out that I was right about something I felt very adamant about, so I decided to 'Augment' the feeling. I made myself a 4x serving of instant, using 4 heaping teaspoons of instant dissolved in only about 2 or 3 ounces of hot water.
I never saw the point of diluting coffee in an entire cup, it just seems so silly to me. I want the effects and I don't want to mess around with silly cream and sugar... In fact, I normally drink it straight up black, and the strong taste simply does not bother me... In fact, I have a positive association with the harsh bitter taste to the point that it makes me happy and excited just to smell it. Sometimes I would even just eat the instant powder itself, though it makes my mouth feel funny. Normally when I drink it, I like to hold it in my mouth for a while and swish it around thinking that it absorbs faster if I keep it in my mouth and esophagus as long as I can, rather than letting it go to my stomach where it has to sit and absorb there. I begin to feel it rather shortly within 10 minutes at the most. A faster heart rate was the most noticable thing.
Now... with my condition, my heart rate tends to run a little faster than the average person, around 85 to 90 BPM resting pulse, and my blood pressure actually tends to be a little low, like 105/60 or so.
When Iím wired on caffeine I typically feel much more motivated and alive, and in an all around great mood. This one morning I remember just grinning and smirking at nearly everything, feeling like I could beat anybody in an argument. I notice that I also tend to think and talk much more aggressively too, I describe it as being much more 'ballsy' or 'assholish'. That's probably just my personality coming out, but I end up cursing people out, even my own mom, and not feeling the least bit bad about it afterwards. But I have mixed feelings about it in retrospect.
I had taken a 4x serving early at about 9 in the morning, so that the buzz coincided with my medications kicking in. I generally feel my best around noon or early afternoons, so I wanted more caffeine to coincide with that time. I made another 4x cup of black sludge shortly after the first, and went to go sit down at the computer.
I just felt good and triumphant all over. Most notably, I was paying attention to how I felt, and my heart was pounding and I felt like taking long slow breaths. I measured my pulse to be at a constant 120 BPM. I remember feeling the occassional hot and cold flashes alternating, but I didn't mind. I kept feeling these wonderful adrenalin rushes in my gut that came in waves, and I also noticed a rather strong nauseating feeling in my 'core', but what I found odd, is that this nauseous feeling was actually quite nice, I liked it. I just accepted it altogether and let it happen. I felt confident that no matter what happens, it will pass, and Iíll just ride it out nicely.
I also had a popular energy drink in the fridge, and I decided to chug that rather quickly. I normally don't do that, but I wanted to go all out today. I don't really consider it to contribute that much to the caffeine buzz since I read that they don't have much more caffeine than a typical cup of coffee, but I figure the B vitamins would help bump it up some more. I was planning to enjoy another wonderfully selfish masturbation session, so I went off to a bathroom for nearly an hour. Now, admittedly it's been a while, but I went ahead and had not 1, but 2 of the most wonderful eyes-rolling-up anal orgasms ever. The second better than the first. Though in retrospect I must admit that it's been a while since Iíve indulged myself like this, and my ass was bleeding quite a bit, but when I saw the blood on my hand I just gasped at first... but I really did NOT care and I just continued. I find this to be a bit disturbing when I think about how I simply did not care at that point.
The 2nd orgasm was the most notable, since it resulted in me blacking out and passing out. Falling onto the bathroom floor for was I guess half a minute, but it felt much longer. I was overtaken by a black shadow that washed over me, and I felt like I was nowhere, I was nothing, I was everywhere... I guess that is similar to what's described as a 'Dissociative' effect, which makes me rather curious about other dissociatives like Ketamine now... Though... after reading up later, I surmise that what happened to me is a combination of the Vasoconstrictive effects of caffeine, combined with my general low blood pressure and blood pooling that caused me to have a Hypo-something syncope, essentially the same as drowning... so I said to myself 'damn... I really have got to stop doing that'...
When I was done I felt like I was glowing. It felt so good to just move around and stretch, I was amazed that I felt warm and tingly when I put my clothes back on, it just felt so nice. I sprawled out spread eagle on a king size bed, staring at the ceiling so I could enjoy the nice warm post-orgasmic afterglow that I love so much. Caffeine just really really seems to extend and amplify it. I just laid there for nearly an hour just smiling and squirming around thinking nice happy thoughts, and every time I clenched my ass Iíd get another wonderful tingly surge through my body again. My heart was still pounding steadily and I was taking long deep breathes. After more than an hour or so, I got up groggily and went back to my room to go back on the computer... all seemed normal until my mom came home at about 4pm...
This is perhaps the scariest part which lends a cautionary element. After 5pm my heart was still pounding steadily, and I was still getting those same adrenalin rushes and cold flashes with sweating, and I was feeling increasingly more nervous and anxious now. I was beginning to worry why I was still feeling the effects, and I became much more aware of my heart beating, I started to feel a sick sick cold fearful feeling filling my body, it made my hands and lips cold and slightly numb. I felt like I had a cold numbness in my mouth and the core of my gut behind my chest. I really began to feel like I was about to have a heart attack or have a seizure of some kind. I was afraid that this must be what it feels like just before it happens. I really felt like the world was coming to an end and 'this is it'.
I got up and started pacing around, trying not to think negative things, but they kept reverberating in my head, but I would try to shake them off. I've had similar Panic attack episodes in the past, and I tried to comfort myself in the fact that nothing bad has ever resulted from them, and most likely nothing will happen this time. I decided to go walk my dogs with my mom, I felt more comfortable with someone familiar, and I told her how I felt and she said 'oh... you're having a panic attack', and I immediately felt better when I realized I could now put a name to what I was feeling... though when we went back up I was still pacing, so I sat down, drank some water and watched some TV with my mom for a while, by about 7PM it finally started to subside. I only told my mom I had a lot of coffee, but not what Iíve actually been doing in recent times.
This panic attack lasted nearly 3 hours. Later on that night I read up on Panic Attacks and I was amazed that it was precisely what happened to me and I was greatly relieved to read that, as intensely frightening as they are, they present no real danger. I had an epiphany later that the cause was rooted in a phobia that I had. I had a phobia of having a heart attack or a seizure. Learning this increased my confidence, and I began laughing to myself about how silly it seemed now. I feel that with this knowledge of the chemical nature of what happened, I could prevent another panic attack from precipitating, or even help talk someone else down from one. It's important for people to know these kinds of things.
I decided to give myself a break and ween myself off of caffeine completely... For the next 3 days it felt like I had a fever, and I felt all out exhausted with a terrible pounding headache, and I was generally depressed, with my usual feelings of loneliness and hopelessness felt just utterly amplified. Negative thoughts had a reverberative quality, to the point where I was curled up in bed sobbing lightly for little reason, and I don't consider myself the type that cries easily.
The 4th day I felt a little better. During these days I felt like having another caffeinated drink, every time my eye caught the instant coffee container, I just had this unbearable urge to just grab it and pour it down my mouth. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to just drop it cold turkey, but I was just really really disappointed with myself for what I've been doing. I realized that I do have a rather addictive personality. I found that I could distract myself by doing a bunch of watercolor paintings. I produced about 16 Watercolor paintings, mostly of boring seascapes with different color variations, but as long as I was painting, I wasn't thinking about getting tanked up again.
Perspective, and thoughts-
I still believe there is nothing wrong with regular casual use of caffeine, and now, knowing what I know, a part of me really wants to do it all again. A part of me is still very fond of these wonderful stimulant effects, and is often very tempted of the idea of getting caffeine pills and insufflating them. It just seems more efficient to me, and I like that. And I've read about how Caffeine is sometimes called 'Redneck Cocaine' for 'dumb kids who can't afford the real thing.' It makes me think, despite all the negative trip experiences, that perhaps Cocaine is the substance that my personality demands the most. I must admit that in spite of my better judgement, if the oppurtunity to use Cocaine is put in front of my face I will do it.
The fundamental problem with Caffeinism... 'it's not that I want 1 coffee... it's that I want 10...' The more more MORE aspect. For a while, plain average orgasms were like nothing to me, I would often use a caffeine buzz to 'multiply it out'. I used the analogy every day mundane orgasms as trying to fly by flapping my arms, and caffeine was like being hurled with a catapult. Sure I crash harder, but it sure felt better.
I feel that I am torn between my personality which fosters my hedonism. I consider my sexual tastes and appetites to be quite extreme and odd at times, though not entirely irrelevant to why I find the concept of substance abuse to be oddly romanticized for me, though that's a whole other can of worms. The fact is, I like pleasure, and I like lots of it. I like to feel good, and I grow tired of life's feeble natural 'peak experiences' that seem so infrequent and downright stingy.
I haven't taken any truly hard substances, aside from Morphine when I was hospitalized for a terrible Lupus flare-up, the most Godawful pain I've ever experienced, which I liken to being crushed by a car and set on fire with knives stuck in me, pain so bad that I could hardly breathe, so bad that for 2 days I could hardly sleep, and I woke my mom up at 3am to drive me to the Hospital a few months back. The Morphine was NOT the typical recreational dose, so it was nothing spectacular to note, other than what one typically hears... though admittedly, it left a permanent impression on me, and a part of me really, REALLY wants it again.
Seriously, I do romanticize about the beautiful, miraculous effects of Morphine just like the writers and poets of the 1800s, but that's a WHOLE other issue. I've also made poppyseed tea, but that was nothing spectacularly noteworthy either. But I surmise that that is what it's like. I really do sympathize with those who have trouble with addiction now, because I have had maybe a smaller parody of what it must be like. I am simply.. NOT supposed to feel good all the time. And I am comfortable with that now...
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