Syrian Rue & Ayahuasca (B. caapi & M. Hostilis)
I had been meditating for about 6 months before trying ayahuasca. The first 3 months of meditation were amazing. I was doing a simple breathing exercise that allowed me to feel connected to the whole universe. Unfortunately after 3 months I decided to start studying Buddhism. Not that I have anything against Buddhism. I felt inclined to take my meditation to a whole new level and thought that that was the way to go. It didn't work. My mind became clouded with all the seating postures and specifics about how I should breathe. I fell about ten steps back on my road to enlightenment. So I figured their has to be a way to speed this process up. After 3 months of trying to get that feeling of being connected with the universe back I had given up and fell into a light depression. I had heard of ayahuasca before. I decided to order all the ingredients off the internet and give it a shot. Thinking maybe that it would help lead to some spiritual growth. I had never taken any psychedlics prior to this.
The day of my experience started off as any other. I ate pretty much everything you shouldn't when getting ready to take a MAOI. I had cheese, tofu, ketchup and milk.
I spent almost 4 hours preparing the brew. I grinded 13 grams B. Caapi and 10 grams M. hostillis into a fine powder using a cheap coffee grinder. I threw it all into 4-5 cups of water then put 4 finely chopped lemons in it and let it simmer for close to an hour until their was only about a cup of reddish tea left. I then poured the tea through a metal mesh strainer and let the tea fall into a tupperware container. I took the solid gunky stuff left in the strainer and put it back into the pot.
I repeated the entire cooking proccess 2 times leaving three seperate tupperware containers with one cup of ayahuasca in each one. I disposed of the gunky contents. Then I poured all three tupperware containers through the metal strainer a couple more times trying to get as much waste out of it as possible and put the 3 cups of ayahuasca back into the pot and boiled the contents down to about one tea cup. I should mention I lightly hummed, sang to, and asked the ayahuasca to be gentle to me while preparing it. I heard it was good to respect the ayahuasca and be positive while preparing it. I had no sitter.
T 0:00 I grinded up 7 grams of syrian rue, mixed it with water and chugged it back. I did this while making the ayahuasca.
T 0:25 I have a real nice mellow buzz. I sit back on a chair and relax
T 0:45 The mellow buzz is getting stronger and the walls start to gently sway in and out
T: 1:10 I’m feeling like I had a few shots of vodka but nothing to horrible. Its time to drink the ayahuasca.
T 1:15 The tea is very acidic. I take 2 extra strength tums. It only takes me about 5 minutes to drink the tea. It wasn’t as bad as everyone had described. Maybe I was just excited.
T 1:20 I’m trying not to puke. Its not that it taste bad, it's just so acidic. I’m still feeling relaxed.
T 1:30 I go puke. It feels great. I move to my bed and get ready for what I thought would be a nice little trip.
T 1:35 The effects come on hard and fast. Everything gets a really eerie feeling to it. I live in a small apartment in the middle of a city to top things off. I’m thinking I made a mistake, I run to the bathroom and force my self to puke.
T 1:45 I finish puking. I go stand up and notice something is seriously wrong. Everything is totally silent. I wave my hand back and forth and notice intense tracers. I lose track of time from this point foreward. While walking from the bathroom back into my bedroom. I hear some music. It sounds like it is coming from my closet and playing on an old scratchy record player. Its carnival music. I know I’m tripping and I’m not too concerned. I run to my bed and close my eyes and try to fall asleep and think postive thoughts. I wanted to change the taste of this trip into something a little sweeter.
I start to lose touch with reality. Thoughts start pouring through my brain. I couldn’t control them whatsoever. I open me eyes and in front of me is a giant theatre. Their are these skulls of clowns sitting on the top of the curtains with jaws dropping down to the floor. They make a real weird noise that last throughout the whole trip. The stage started flying towards me. The curtains flung open and revealed a colorful tunnel. I started to fall through it.
I thought I was dead. I couldn't feel myself breathing. It was like my old reality was ripped away from me and I fell into this timeless world. It had no beginning or no end. I felt I had always been apart of it. I tried thinking back to my old life but it felt like a joke. I fell into a dimension that would never end. Their was no love and certainly no god. Their was no boundries here. It was just like a giant cosmic joke. I tried to figure out the meaning of it but there wasn’t one. There's no meaning to life.
I would have quick flashes back to my real world. I felt myself ripping my eyes out and tearing my skin. I was crapping all over my apartment and screaming like a maniac. I remember breaking my ipod in half and smashing my laptop. Their was blood all over the place. I couldn't control myself. Then I would fall back into this meaningless void. I could hear the sounds of sirens all around me and I could faintly hear what sounded like two paramedics trying to get through to me.
Then as quickly as it all started it came to an end. The trip lasted 7 hours. I found myself laying in my bed without my shirt on. I checked around the apartment and everything seemed fine. I had epsom salt scattered all over the bathroom but that was it, and my ipod was laying on the floor but it was in fine condition. I wish I could explain that colorful empty world better but words can’t describe it.
I’m still haunted by this experience. This reality no longer feels like the only one. I know I’m going to die someday and be sent to a whole new place with a whole new set of rules. I don’t think this made me grow more spiritually but I’m now aware that death is probably far more complex then most can imagine.
