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Never Enough...
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Rollatini
Citation:   Rollatini. "Never Enough...: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (ID 50246)". Erowid.org. Apr 18, 2008. erowid.org/exp/50246

 
DOSE:   repeated oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
    repeated oral MDMA (powder / crystals)
    repeated IV MDMA (powder / crystals)
    repeated IV MDMA (pill / tablet)


I've written this thing not to share about how or why I started doing this drug, because all of that is fairly typical. I'm here to share some of my own experiences with MDMA and how it can indeed be very much psychologically addicting, as well as my experience with intravenous injection of this drug, as it seems that practice is quite rare among MDMA users in general. It happened to me, and I've learned that respect for this drug (as for all mind-altering chemicals) is crucial. Sadly, I'm not sure if I can stop the cycle of destruction I've engaged myself in.

I've done various drugs, but MDMA was always my favorite. For the first year or so of my E use, I stuck to the typical oral method of administration, and for the first few months I was still in enough control to use the drug no more than once per month, which is generally considered the safe limit. However, that quickly changed. I began to use a lot more, especially via plugging, as I consider plugging to be the best way to make the most of an E experience. It is the method of administration that I recommend to others. I rarely snorted the drug, as I quickly found out it wasn't to my taste. But regardless of method, I knew I was using too often and I felt powerless to stop it. I was using from once a week to almost every day, with breaks of one to three weeks occasionally, usually by force via a controlled environment.

In fact, quite a bit of legal trouble and numerous rehab stints followed: I spent time in various short-term inpatient, outpatient, and long-term residential rehabilitation programs. None of them seemed to help me. I felt frustrated and extremely depressed most of the time. I was never able to stop using for very long, although I kept trying. Memory loss, especially short-term, was apparent. My health suffered terribly. My tolerance kept growing, and I kept using extremely high doses. Somehow, I didn't completely 'lose the magic', as I had always been extremely sensitive to MDMA. This likely contributed to my continued use. I felt very confused and lonely a lot of the time, because I had been told so often that it's simply 'not possible to get addicted to E.' Maybe not physically-addicted, but as far as psychological dependence goes, I seemed to totally fit the bill. I just couldn't (and still cannot) leave that poor chemical alone.

One night a few years later, after yet another shortened and more 'dirty' roll due to the consequences of very heavy usage, I finally made the big, final step in my use: I 'graduated' to the needle. I did this despite hearing so many times from so many sources that injecting MDMA tended to provide for a far too harsh, speedy, overwhelming experience. I somehow knew I wouldn't hate it due to my extreme love for the drug. I felt as if I was crossing some invisible line by going the IV route, but I'd been thinking about doing so for so long, it seemed inevitable that I should get over my fear one day. I did love needles for a long time, so I knew it was only a matter of time. For my first IV experience, I shot about 30mg of high-purity molly powder, and while the effect was more subdued than I expected, most likely due to such a high tolerance, it definitely left me smiling more widely than I'd had in a very long time. I liked it - no, I loved it. I wanted more of that bliss.

After that experience, I couldn't stop thinking about injecting even though I knew I shouldn't make it a habit - the problem is the rarity of molly (high-purity MDMA powder) in many areas, and eventually I got impatient and did an obvious no-no: I began shooting crushed-up pills. Yes, pressed pills. It's an extremely dangerous practice for obvious reasons, such as non-soluble binders in pills, and despite a fear of this I just kept going, hoping that the cotton I used as a filter would somehow save me - I had no access to a good pill filter. The second time I shot MDMA I raised my dose, and got the rush I'd been seeking. From then on I knew I was doomed, as it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I loved it. So much. I couldn't stop. It was heaven, even if it lasted such a short time as compared with the long rolls I had always gotten via every other method.

One night, I got extremely upset and did something very much unwise that could have cost me my life. I threw caution to the wind. I started the night by plugging three average-strength pills. Then a few hours later I IMed about 50mg, but my tolerance was becoming so bad and I was finally feeling the dreaded 'loss of magic', and the effects soon weakened - much quicker than I was used to. In a panic, I went into mega-IV mode and ended up IVing almost 500mg over the period of about an hour via multiple shots - a serious overestimation of my tolerance! About a half hour after my final dose I felt as if my heart was about to explode. I had serious trouble breathing and soon I fell over, barely able to move and feeling extreme pain in my chest area and my head. I felt as if I were about to die. My vision kept going black for up to ten seconds at a time, and I could barely keep conscious, as if I was slipping away and had to fight to hold on to reality - and life. After a few agonizing hours my heart finally slowed down, my vision cleared, and I was able to stop shaking. I had chest pains and some trouble breathing for over two weeks after this incident.

Overdose? Bad reaction? Both? Needless to say, it was a very scary experience and I almost did call the hospital. I should have, but was too afraid and disoriented at the time to do so. If I knew what would happen, I would have never popped that first pill.

Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 50246
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Apr 18, 2008Views: 36,300
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Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.


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