Citation: Mars. "Shown Death and a Muse (2 People's Visions): An Experience with Ibogaine (extract) (ID 38833)". Erowid.org. Dec 10, 2004. erowid.org/exp/38833
GOD My guide helped me to purchase Ibogaine extract from an internet supplier. About 9:45 took a gram, and then 1 hour later, took 4 more grams. The ibogaine came on very strong. The first impressions I received was to not fear it; to let go of all my fear. It felt to me that if I were to see the visions that I expected to see, I would have to release myself, to surrender and completely trust in the experience. I then felt as if a beam of light was slowly moving up my body from my feet to my head, activating every single nerve ending in my body. At the same time, my body was becoming very heavy, like it was asleep, but my brain was very active.
My first main vision was a 20 year old man in a glorious city. I looked in his eyes, and I knew him to be God. He was of the race of the Gods. He lived in a modern city, together with an immortal family, and would mix and mingle with the mortals living in the city. There was a father, a mother, oldest son, a virtuous daughter, and younger son. There were the most incredible beings. The children all were constantly learning new things. The daughter was a super model. They spent a lot of their time in the cyberspace workstation, where a great deal of their conversations and interactions with everyone else occurs. There was often a retinue of other officials and other mortals, maybe 5 or 6, in the room as well. I experienced a mind boggling reality of the LOVE OF GOD, as I was adopted into their family. I started feeling inner confidence, a peace with self. My ego fled.
(I had stayed up all night reading a book about peak oil and the upcoming oil crisis the day before I took Ibogaine. Hence the following vision) Michael Moore in the future becomes much more famous. Puts out two video games with Microsoft...The are mega big hits. Then he puts out a third, everyone goes into Cyberspace to play it for the first time. Go into the game...turn it on and you are in, along the Canadian west coastline with about ten other people when a nuclear war hits. The bomb goes off far away and doesn't fry you, but the radiation sickness sets in immediately. Everyone dies really fast. The players are all pissed off, asking what kind of game this is. (Michael Moore took the proceeds he made from this game, and headed up to his preparations in northern Alaska.) The game scene opens up again...same people...this time we are going to get ready. Do some preparations...but then the same bomb erupts with the same results. We play it about ten more times with identical results.
Then the bomb hits in real life. In one evening, after massive preparations, the plan is activated. The whole world knows except for the Americans and Canadians. All American military is deployed upon its own people causing mass genocide. All Canadians are exterminated and maybe half of all Americans. All remaining Americans are turned into slaves. The American Military turns its might onto the Oil Plains of Canada, the last oil left in the world, and the American slaves are the only way to extract it for the rest of the word. So the rest of the world gets a few more years added onto civilization.
Later.... In a poorly decorated gym, for the economy was terrible...my friend is super addicted to a drug called scratch or something. So he and his friends take it and the vision erupts...super heavy metal music...UTTER chaos. Slam dancing...S&M...suicide...animal instinct...murder...mutations....utterly insane....for about ten seconds. But this stuff is like bits of paper all over the place....so people start taking it all the time...The users of scratch set off the first nuclear bomb...then many more. This scratch stuff takes on form...humungous mutated blob of flesh, body parts, festering nuclear radiation, blood, weapons, shit and gore...everybody follows after it...goes to it and becomes an agent in the destruction of all life in the Universe. As I'm watching this...I can talk to my God Family any time I want...like they are in a window on the computer screen. I experience all this as if being on the holo-deck or cyberspace. I experienced and felt it...like the high I got when I tried the scratch drug, but at the same time, I was an observer and my inner peace was untouched.
Anyway, the whole war was between the people trying to save Life against the people trying to exterminate it......after what felt to me as WEEKS in Non-vision time...time was crawling...End battle comes...fight for all life in the universe comes down to me setting off a bomb at a precise time. THE END COMES. All beings in the Universe have gathered -- gods and what mortals are left. Then three seconds go by in slow motion. Ending...pass through a veil...then new beginning...Then as if on a computer screen, a picture of a door opens half way....the most exquisitely beautiful scene in unimaginably rich color is behind the door. God winks at me with a knowing look on his face. I start to laugh in the most beautifully happy way.. in utter amazement at the scope and nature of his plan. It was like he was saying...just trust in me...I have everything under my control. Even when it seems like to you that I don't. Just enjoy yourself and truly experience life, for there is nothing to worry about. 'So what about death?' I said. God said, 'I will show you death...then you will not fear it.'
I saw a death factory. It was hundreds of gingerbread men on conveyer belts. They could all move their little hands and legs. They were all labeled...some labeled alive and some labeled dead. There was a row of them labeled alive, then they would pass through a veil of light, then their label was changed to dead. BUT THEIR LABEL WAS THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE LIVE AND DEAD ONES. THEY LOOKED AND MOVED EXACTLY THE SAME. Then God said,'DEATH IS ONLY ONE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE. IN AN ETERNITY OF EXISTENCE, WHY FEAR ONE SECOND. The sting of death is the fear of death. If you do not fear death you will not experience death.' I lost my fear of death.
Is Ibogaine an addiction breaking drug? I think a better discription of Ibogaine is a habit breaking drug. I was not a heroin addict. But I was an extremely habitual person, and had a highly addictive personality. My life before Ibogaine was in shambles. I smoked 2 packs of cigarettes per day, drank beer every day, and hadn't exercised in years, always had to have some kind of high, ecstasy, valium, or grass...and I was ALWAYS broke. I was extremely neurotic, as I had an extremely abusive childhood.
After Ibogaine, I was kinda scatterbrained for a few days, but it seemed that I had this amazing evolutionary push behind me to fight entropy. I feel reborn, as if my character has been wiped clean, and I am able to write anything in as my attributes, and immediately make them who I am. It has been 4 weeks, and I haven't even thought about touching a drink, drug or cigarette. I exercise for an hour every day. I'm not spending much money, except going out and buying some new clothes. I now eat healthy food, drink water or juice, write in my journal every day, keep my house clean, and read spiritual material at least two hours every day. I get up early, and go to bed early, and I am rejoining the church that I got kicked out of. This seems all kind of unbelievable, but I swear it is true...and I'm not exaggerating. My friends are all amazed. The week after Ibogaine, I decided I was going to build good habits to replace my lost bad habits. And it was relatively easy, where good habits were incredibly hard for me in the past. These changes, I feel were mostly because Ibogaine gave me self-respect, and because it took away my fear. I feel Ibogaine is a miracle, and anyone wanting sincere change and spiritual growth in their lives should experience it.
Experience from the (so-called) Guide
I had known of ibogaine for nearly a decade, although I had nearly forgotten of its existence. However, during a spurt of spiritual growth, I met a friend, the aforementioned recipient of this experience, through a shared interest in lucid dreaming. This friend was as interested in spiritual growth as I was, but we were also hindered by some of our bad habits and psychological neurosis, leftovers from a fractured family life and harsh upbringing. It was my friend's addictions that sparked the idea that ibogaine could help him. He smoked tobacco more than anyone I knew, and abused alcohol and other substances, mostly of an addictive nature, although not including heroin. I told him of this West African plant called iboga that might rid him of his addictions. About five months later we finally decided to purchase it. I took a small dose, to have an empathetic connection with my friend, (lets call him Abe). I prepared to have a slightly euphoric feeling with some closed eyed visuals.
I was greatly mistaken. I am fairly sensitive to drugs, and I have no serious addictions. This may have been the reason I had such a strong experience, or that I was favored to have an experience that was more than the sum of its causes. As the initial euphoria crept over us, Abe went upstairs to a loft in his studio apartment, I stayed on the main floor on an inflatable air-mattress brought over for the occasion. In a short while, I was mostly immobilized, a little shocked and uncomfortable by the feeling. Abe, noticing that I was starting to panic, urged me to embrace the feeling, to let go of any fear of it. Not long after he told me to do this, I felt as if I was drowning in an ocean of fear, but had finally let myself sink under the waves and, to my astonishment, I learned I could still breathe.
My first vision had some other back history from another psychedelic experience from years ago. In that original experience I was 'tricked' by my subconscious to fall asleep at the end of a long trip. I saw these gnomish creatures that were working with huge Victorian machinery, gears, chains and steam-works, causing giant eyelid-like steel gates to close. These gates weren't just like eye lids, but were my actual eye lids, my mind was creating this vivid imagery and a feeling of heaviness to ruse my brain into sleep. When the gnomes noticed that I had seen them, they panicked and ran away giggling to the area right behind my eyeballs, where it was impossible to see them. Since they abandoned the machinery, the gates of my eye lids opened and I awakened.
This time, on iboga, the first vision I was treated to, started out with seeing an identical replica of my eyes staring back at me. Since my eyes were closed, it looked as if another head was fused to the front of my own and I was seeing a dark cave formed by the sockets of my eyes and the replicas. The cave formed by the eye sockets was tinged with reddish light; a redness caused by some unknown light passing through the blood vessels of my skin and flesh. It was very interesting to be looking, in a blink-less gaze at my own eyes, but soon my vision passed, transparently, through the eyes. I saw behind the spherical orbs of my eyes and saw the continuation of the eye socket tunnel, with the optic nerve trailing down into its depths. My vision followed the optic nerve down the tunnel for some distance, until I made out a pool of water, with the optic nerve tied onto a crude wooden bucket, floating in the well. Originally, my perspective started at a horizontal viewpoint but somewhere in the dark tunnel it switched to a vertical, bird's eye view of the pool, since the tunnel never curved.
In this well of my tears, the original gnomes from my prior experience were lounging. Their eyes were closed, relaxing in the hot, steamy waters of my tears at the base of my optic cord. Abe had questions written to ask the spirit of iboga, but since I wasn't expecting a deep experience, I had none. After my first vision passed, I opened my eyes and asked, simply, what I could do to best improve myself. It was a very basic, general question, but considering how strongly this iboga was affecting me, it was the best I could muster. I felt compelled to generate at least some kind of question. After I asked the question, I was shown my guide. His face was porcelain smooth, and matching white robes hung from the base of his head down to his feet. I mostly only saw his face, very close to mine. He spoke directly to my mind in a very subtle way, it felt like remembering a conversation, but it happened in real time.
The first lesson he had for me was that I needed to conquer my fear. So I was shown visions upon visions about fear, and how many human problems stemmed from fear. I can't remember any of the specific visions shown to me in my journey, my guide explained (or conveyed) to me that the visions were for my unconscious mind, my conscious mind only needed to remember the theme of my lessons. So the first lesson was fear.
The second lesson was: love. My guide explained that love is the light that vanquishes fear. Not just the love of other people, but the love of doing things, like the love an artist has for painting. Again I was shown visions to back up my lesson. These visions all seemed to take a long time, although our sense of time was very skewed.
The third lesson I learned was stressing the importance of learning how to focus. Visions also followed this lesson.
The fourth lesson taught me how to extend my perspective. I am a fairly introverted individual with a low self-esteem; I live in my own little world and suffer from the constant thought that no one truly likes or respects me. This vision taught me how to extend my perspective to include not only my self as a lone entity but my self as a part of my immediate surroundings. I learned that I am one with my surroundings just as they are one with me. The further I could learn to extend my perspective, the better off my psyche and my general life would be.
The last of the main lessons stressed the importance of faith. I am not, by any means, a faithless person, but my scientific-leaning mind often has a fair amount of skepticism. My faith in self is severely lacking. I was told that I would achieve a much higher level of life if I could generate faith.
When the last of these visions was over, I asked my guide if I should engage in this certain business venture that Abe and I had been discussing. I was told that it didn't really matter if I did it or not, but it wasn't the centrally important aspect I could focus on. The guide then took me to an underground cavern, a very colorful and mystical place. It was the only vision that the guide was with me for, and one of the only vision lessons that I was allowed to remember with my conscious memory. The guide called out, and a small deformed boy came out of hiding. He was very young, perhaps two or three and nearly featureless. The guide explained that it was my writing muse. I should return to writing, and I would eventually succeed. Not just sci-fi writing, which was my long-neglected hobby, but children's novel writing. But first, I had to teach my muse to write and he would quickly learn from my efforts and assist me in writing from the infinite wisdom and creativity of my sub consciousness. That was the final part of my main ibogaine experience. The rest of the visions were quite minor in comparison.
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