Citation: ToastR. "It Isn't Worth It: An Experience with Alprazolam (Xanax) (ID 38676)". Erowid.org. May 2, 2007. erowid.org/exp/38676
[Erowid Note: 40 mgs of Alprazolam is considered an extremely high dose, see Alprazolam FAQ]
Hello, I would first like to introduce this twisted empty shell of a man I have become. I am 16, and I know I have already fucked it all up, that it will be impossible to continue in life. I have always used drugs, and I knew I wasn't immune to addiction. I used morphine on several occasions, and even meth, with no addiction. But who would have known that my downfall would have been with Xanax, just a chill out drug, right? Wrong, when taken in high doses this can really fuck you up, really really bad. Here is my story.
I was at my grandma's home helping her prepare for my grandpa's funeral. As I was sorting his things I came across a bottle full of 2mg Xanax bars. I had always wanted to try it, Xanax sounded like the kind of drug you could take with any other drug to enhance, and on its own for relaxation. Seeing that I have issues with severe depression and the highest level of anxiety, this was a godsend. I had been treating them with marijuana, but a pill! No smell, no lighters, no evidence, perfect.
I started taking low doses for fun, just at random times, anywhere from 1mg-3mg. I loved the warmth and relaxation, the comfort. Somehow I stumbled across a dealer that kept a large stock of them. I subconciously started taking more of the bars daily, at an alarming rate, but I didn't care. I started snorting them to, on top of smoking 2g of high potency marijuana everyday. One of my friends tried to stop me, he was a true friend, he knew I wouldn't listen to reason, so one night he stayed at my house and snuck up to my room where I kept my stash. I caught him just as he was about to dump them into the toilet. I beat him to a bloody pulp, litterally, my friend from elementary school, over a couple of pills. He ran home in the middle of the night, and I was left to clean up his blood with a shattered hand. I made up a story about him feeling sick and having to leave and then I fell down the stairs and broke my hand or something like that. Then came the day that changed my life.
Here is what I remember: I went to the doctor at 8AM, they were putting a cast on my hand, and being the generally likeable person I am, I cracked jokes with the doctors. The nurse left to go get the final piece for the cast. I slowly laid down and tried to relax. I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second, like more than a blink, but it wasn't long. When I opened my eyes I found I was still on a hospital cot but I was completely naked, something was shoved up my dick, tubes shoved in my nostrils, and a BIG tube down my throat, doctors running everywhere, strapped down, confused, heart monitor next to me, a nurse shoves an IV needle into my hand, I want to scream but all that came out was a low moan, like that of a wounded animal. I cried and tried to shake loose, what were these people doing to me? Holding me down and hurting me, I had no clue whatsoever to what was going on. I screamed and wretched and I was greeted with two more sringes, and I was suddenly at home in my bed, it was noon. I came into my kitchen to see my mom and dad crying.
What happened: I had come home and my mom had left, my dad was at work, it was 9AM. My dad called to check up on me at 10AM, when nobody answered he was worried, he tried my cell, still no answer, it was a school day so I should be home, and I am a light sleeper so the phone should've woke me. At 11AM he came home to find me wandering drunkly around the house, he said I was just walking all over the place. He said my pupils were huge, and having caught me with weed once he knew I was on something. I didnt respond to anything, touch or sound, I just kept wandering around moaning and mumbling, some times screaming and ranting in this devilish language.
He called my mom, and when she returned they carried me to the car, then into the ER. I was so fucked up on arrival they didn't even make me wait, or check paperwork or anything, they just grabbed me, threw me in a wheelchair and ran. Two large male nurses undressed me and forced me to piss in a cup. I am not even going to explain how they make an intoxicated person pee, but I will tell you it isn't pretty. They then carried me to a bed in the ER, like for the people who are bleeding to death, I was there buck naked, unconcious but still having violent seizure like movements and more death chants.
The piss was tested and the doctor said he couldn't believe I had taken so much, he had never seen a person who took that much. They wouldnt tell me how much I took but due to the amount missing from my stash I beleive I took about 40mg. Anyway they shoved the tube down my dick, and put a little bowl under my ass because my muscle spazms caused tiny bowl movements. They then put oxygen tubes in my nose and tried to pump my stomach but found it had already been absorbed. My resting heart rate is around 70bpm, but from the time I checked in(1PM) until I started to come out of it at 3AM my heart never went below 130bpm. They weren't sure if I was going to make it. This scared my parents shitless as you can imagine. As I started to come out of it around 3AM social workers came and talked to me. Althou I don't remember any of this, I apparently cussed them out. My parents and two nurses helped to get me safely to my car.
From all that we got a $3000.00 bill, social workers questioning my amazingly loving and forgiving parents about mistreating me, and the loss of all trust.
The amount of Xanax I take on a daily basis keeps going up, I wish to the god in heaven I could stop, but I can't. I have stolen money from friends, their parents, my parents, teachers, the works, just to get these pretty little bars!
God.....please..take pity on my defeated soul...free me from the pain. Treatment is to costly, and I couldn't put my parents through that, DAMN I WISH I HAD NEVER EVER TOUCHED THE SHIT!!!!!
At this time, I will honestly say that I am about to pop a few bars and go in a corner and cry. please stay away, tell your friends to stay away, do not do this to yourself, and the ones who love and care for you.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.