| DOSE: |
repeated |
|
MDMA
|
(pill / tablet) |
It’s been 2 to 3 years since I cut myself off from doing ecstasy never to do it again. I remember the first times I did ecstasy, feeling so energized but relaxed at the same time. I also felt very sexual, open and free. It would feel sometimes like an out-of-body sensation where I was controlling my body from outside of matter with my mind, a kind of detachment. I would babble for hours, or dance endlessly, or sit there just chilling, thinking along random thought trails.
Later after much chem usage, I realized I was in a state of denial. I was telling myself lies mentally, that the highs were still so good, and the after effects weren't so bad. I really did enjoy taking the pills at first, but after doing it steadily for years, I realized I was becoming a very anxious, depressed, socially withdrawn, and physically unwell person. I had the worst relationships of my life during that period, ill co-dependencies with girls who did as much (or more) drugs than I did.
What really scared me near the end of my chemical usage was I was losing my ability to think clearly and I was sure I’d gone too far and brain-damaged myself. Forming a simple sentence was a monumental task so making conversation became exceedingly difficult. I love doing art, painting and drawing, and I found I nearly completely lost my artistic abilities. My spatial awareness was out the window, as I could not draw in perspective any more. Coming up with an idea of what I wanted to draw was sometimes impossible. Looking back on my art work from this period, it's the worst work I ever did in my life, but at the time I thought it was brilliant.
I’ve read since, about how addicts need 'actuators', people who facilitate their addiction. My friends from before I started doing drugs were not fun to hang out with for me anymore. They never did chems, and thought it was stupid to do so. So I developed a new set of 'actuator' friends (other avid drug users), as I shunned my good friends as I found myself unable to hangout with them, like old times.
If I have one regret in life it would be popping that first 'e' in my mouth. Luckily I recovered my real friends, and my artistic and mental capacities. I still wonder sometimes if in other people's eyes I come across obviously as someone who's done way too much drugs, like one of the 'walking wounded'. I do feel a little self concious about that. I’m going to college in September, I’ve been out of school for five years, and I pray to god my drug use hasn't affected my higher rational thinking and learning abilities! Wish me luck!
