I'm supposed to by typing a report and here I am--just procrastinating a few (more and more) hours of this day away. No surprise, the report that I promised would be done today and had every intention of doing is still not completed. So here I sit at 1:04AM reading some other experiences and I'm blown away more and more by each one I read. Like, yeah, that is sooooooooo me.
First things first -- I'm a recovering alcoholic and proud to say I have seven years of sobriety (without a drink) under my belt. I'm also a 35 year old woman with two kids and a husband and a house and a dysfunctional extended family, etc. etc. The good news is that I found sobriety through a great psychiatrist who treated me when I was sent to the hospital against my will and full of vodka. I trusted this guy like I trusted none of the others that I saw. I went to them because I was an 'insomniac' and a 'nervous wreck.' Well, that's what alcoholism does to you.
Alcohol was my lover, my drug of choice--the harder and faster the better and I was good at it. That was until the police, the DUI's and the mental wards, the broken relationships, all the bad stuff that comes along with addiction. After three rehabs I finally got it. Some light went off in my head and I knew I'd die if I didn't stop drinking. I was one of those party girls who loved to drink and drive. I wanted to go-go-go wherever the party was. The attention, the whatever, to fill what was missing inside of me. I kind of felt like the hole in the donut--that kind of thing.
The depakote was a good thing for me. It kept me from the extreme highs and lows of getting sober, that I'll say with certainty. I gained a few pounds which was not cool. I'm 5'10' and about 140 lbs, not heavy by any means and definitely a good-looking woman (all ego-aside of course) but when I look in a mirror--I see someone else.
A year and a half ago I read an article about ADHD. I took it to my Psych's office and I said 'This is me!!!!. I lose everything, purse, keys, phone numbers, important papers, whatever. I forget to do things all the time, and I am completely unorganized but take excessive time getting ready for anywhere I go, to look 'perfect', which accounts for my chronic 'tardiness'--or as I would say, I'm just late and that's the way it is. I think I set myself up for this mad lifestyle, who knows. Anyway, my Dr. ran me through a series of tests, lots of questions and I basically had myself diagnosed. Bam, I was on Adderall. Started slow, 20, then thirty then he said my metabolism is extremely high. Now I've been on 4 and one half 20 mg tablets daily. That's a joke. Talk about not sleeping??? Days running together?? Sometimes it takes me 40 mg to just open my eyes in the morning. It's becoming really screwed up.
I like it. I like it because I thought I'd be more organized, my house would be extremely clean and I'd be thin thin thin!! Well, at first, yes. Then, NO NO NO NO. I eat them like candy. It's not unusual for me to take 140 mg a day, then the next day only 100. I've lost count at times and I've lost severe amounts of sleep. When I hit that 'valley' at the end of the day when I don't want to take anymore, I'm a madwoman. Freaking on my kids and anyone close to me. I have no patience or tolerance. Thank God I haven't picked up a drink.
My mind takes me to some crazy places. The compulsive behavior, the shopping sprees, the 'old' negative behaviors I don't need to go into, the food binges after not eating for awhile. I haven't lost weight. I've gained it back and then some! What the hell??? I feel like I'm constantly aging. Then yeah, at times I feel like it's working, or it might if I took the dosages correctly. Klonopin can ease the jitters but finding the right balance is rare, I know it when I have it. I'm up there, yet I'm calm.
Everything I plan on doing--I don't complete. This report I will complete. Do I think it's addicting? Please. Of course I do. So, what is my Psych. thinking? This guy is high ranking and no idiot, doesn't he know I'll like it??? I mean, come on !! When is the medical profession going to realize a drug is a drug is a drug?? I know deep in my heart I am ADHD and probably always have been. But I am not cut out for Adderall.
This is dangerous stuff. I'm not stupid--I probably know as much about mind altering drugs as any pharmacist in my city. And what I don't know the pharmacists in the Program can tell me. I don't know, I don't want to be dependent upon it. I kicked the booze. I got a life back and beautiful family. I don't want it, yet I need it. And it is for my ADHD so I don't feel bad about it, or do I???
I'll talk to my DR. in two days. I'm going to tell him how I'm feeling. My feelings are a nightmare. That I know. So I'll wake up at 5:30 and do that 'other' report that was due early this morning. I lose track of time on this stuff. Huge lots of time. I can get so into browsing in a store that I'll lose two hours and I cannot even believe it! I don't know. I have to get honest with my Dr. I have to tell him my tolerance is making me take more, or is it just the addict in me? I wish I could just go back to being a plain old boring recovering alcoholic. It's almost in vogue to be in a 12-Step Program these days. From the Sopranos to the soaps, everybody is trying to stop. And I'll stop for now.
