Citation: Little Brownie. "A Love Almost Lost: experience with Methamphetamine (ID 31686)". Erowid.org. Aug 23, 2006. erowid.org/exp/31686
Once again, I have tried meth. This time though, it has made me realize Iím a totally different person when Iím on it and what I can lost if I keep doing it. Hereís how the story starts
While I was in jail back in January, I met a girl there I'll call 'Babycakes' She lives in a town close to mine and Sunday we hung out finally. Babycakes had told me she'd get me high the first day we hung out when she got outta jail. I was down with it, I hadnít done it since last August. We were takin a road trip from my town to her town, about halfway there she got out the 'bubble' and passed it back to me. I knew the routine, light the torch, hold it under the dope and roll the bubble a few times...put mouth to it and slowly suck in the high.
I'm not sure how many hits I took, alls I know that the whole night up until 10:00 I was feeling like I had back in the addiction days, after I had been up for a week and it must've been almost instantly that I cheered up from my mood earlier that day. Like everyone says, a euphoric feeling came over me, I was talkative, same old shit I had been back in August. The car didn't have a radio and absolutely no music, so the whole ride, I heard a torch, an occasional window being rolled down for someone smoking a cigarette. I felt like I was going to freak out! No music when Iím tweakin? How could this be?
Normally, it wouldnít have been such a big deal but the three others in the car at the time with me, were makin a big deal about it also. I had smoked up my 1/2 pack of cigarettes within 45 minutes and I needed more. *6 more miles and we're at a store* That flew by in about a millisecond for me, my mouth was dry so a Pepsi and Mountain Dew did the trick for a few minutes. But then my body rejected the thought of liquid, or food. I got my cigarettes and every few 15 minutes another would be lit. As for the bubble of dope, it kept coming my way, every time I took that hit I remembered my experience back in August.
The meth breath, the heavy smell of it pouring out of my pores as I try and sleep, the sick feeling in my stomach when Iíve done far too much but still I keep doing it. That was me, but I dismissed those thoughts and thought this time will definitely be bigger, better and fun. Maybe I could even lose a few pounds in the process of all this. Since I was out on signature bond, I had to be home by 10:00 that night. While I was with Babycakes and my newfound friends I forgot about my boyfriend, the one person in this life that makes me happy for who I am and is really against smokin ice. Its 'not for him' he says. I had made plans with him, to go and hang out in Minneapolis which is an hour drive from where I live.
The plan was for Babycakes to bring me....well in Twack World we don't think things through clearly and think in a legitimate way. I told him I'd call him in twenty minutes, twenty minutes turned into 3 hours. The whole time, getting ripped off my ass and I was spinning so hard. Jaws clenched, my temples hurt, my sides felt like they were splitting yet I kept taking hits from the bubble. On the way to my house, we stopped 2 times on the country roads to light up our best buddy, inhaled the high and kept our upbeat attitudes. About a mile from my house, we pulled over again and literally smoked up the Blazer we were in. It looked like somebody was hotboxin in there and alls I could taste was dope, gum and cigarettes, my body felt shaky, gum smacking with my uncontrollable jaws, heart beating faster than Iíve ever felt before. Talking on the phone on the rest of the way to my house felt like nothing Iíve felt before. Conversations weren't making sense to me. People weren't on the same level as me, especially the sober ones.
As I stepped in my house, my parents had a sit down with me asking why I hadn't called to tell them I wasn't going to Figure Skating that night. Oh yah! I remember now, oops was all I could say. I couldnít sit there and have some sort of highly agitated conversation with them, thereís no way my mind would sit still for that long. I gave in, said I was sorry and left down to my haven, my room. About this time, I wanted another hit...they pissed me off and it felt like my high was wearing off. Babycakes called me about 10 minutes after she dropped me off and mumbled shit to me, I mumbled back and that was it, I said call me tomorrow.
My boyfriend wasnít answering his phone which was an obvious pointer that he was more than pissed at me. Understandable but did I care? Hell no. All night, my eyes were BIG and BULGED...I wrote letters all night, songs, poems, watched MUTED tv and listened to MY music. Around 4:30 AM there was nothing else to do, so I 'fake slept' just in case my parents decided to come downstairs to catch me doin something. Every noise I heard was 'them' Every creak in the floor, was them trying to listen to what I was doing. Closing my eyes was almost impossible, my fluttering and twitches kept them open, wide open. I watched the sunrise that morning, all the while feeling sick to my stomach, the meth breath, I smell it everywhere. My hands, my arms, my face, my throat, my nose, my tongue, my head.
It was anywhere I thought it was. I brushed my teeth, sucked on throat drops, chewed gum, drank water, nothing helped. By this time, I felt so sick that I kept a waste basket next to my bed just in case it was time to dry heave. My fingers hurt after writing for four hours straight, no break, my neck muscles strained to the maximum extent and the jaws were a totally different story. It is Tuesday today, my temples hurt so badly its almost difficult to close my mouth. As Monday progressed into normal life for everyone, I was in a miserable state of mind.
My body was tired, my mind wasnít, oh no, I was up by 7:30 getting my laundry ready to be washed. By 8 AM I had made an appointment to go into school and take two tests so I could finally finish a course. Half my laundry was done by 9:30 and by 10:30 I had passed the tests and was going home to clean. I cleaned all day, every thing. My bathroom ,my parents bathroom, living room, dusted everything, cleaned floors, and the vacuum seemed to be my second best friend, next to the BUBBLE. This proceeded until 5, and by 5:30 I was talking to my boyfriend. There was some sort of bad vibe going on with this conversation. Something wasnít right, in my mind and his. He knew, last night he knew what the hell I was doing. He was disappointed and in my heart I couldnít bring myself to tell him because I was ashamed. Ashamed I took a turn in my life that keeps me stuck for months at a time. In and out of treatment, group homes and Juvenile Detention Centers I should know what the hell I should do. But I donít think twice, the drug stimulates something in my brain that says MORE MORE MORE and ignores the consequences.
The night progressed and I started seeing things out in my backyard move that really, werenít supposed to move! **Am I going crazy?** I need sleep, but I cant. I hurt my boyfriends feelings cuz everything he said, I took way wrong, almost like he was cutting into me, I assumed, I had a sharp tongue and my mission last night was to make him break down. Now what sane person, would sabotage the best relationship of her life? This is love and because I havenít slept or eaten for a few days, Iíam going to make my life even worse. He said, 'Go to bed, baby girl just get some sleep and holla at me in the morning' So by 11:30 I did just that. My body kept wanting to wake up, my neck hurt I couldnít get comfortable and the meth breath was slowly fading and so was my high. I awoke this morning at 8:30 wishing I felt better, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.
The past 48 hours have been a blur, my tongue was sharp and to this I almost lost a love I cannot lose. Not only that, but I can see myself sliding in two directions. If I go the way my body wants to go, its to hell....hitting that bubble non stop, everyday, not sleeping, not eating, not caring for anybody not even myself...the only thing I care for is that hit and I can get that, then life is good. The way my body wants to go is filled with heartache and pain, lies and deceit, doing anything for anybody just as long as I donít feel the pain I feel today. The other path is a road of hope and love. Happiness that I can achieve if I just stay away from what I think is good for me, a false claim to happiness and life. Meth for me is like water for others, it quenches my thirst.
To all the drugs Iíve ever done in my life, through it all Iíve had people to stick by me, who love me unconditionally....and after this trip, I see my dreams and goals, aspirations and ambition fade away, the self esteem I once worked my ass off for is fading like a light and that glow I once had in my eyes and face, is now gone, bare, gaunt and empty. Today I have to depend on myself, and only myself for my own life.
I can admit that yeah, my name is K and Iím a drug addict/alcoholic.
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