Ive been in recovery from all drugs, specifically crystal since 01-17-03. I abused crystal on a daily basis for about 4 years. In these past 11 months, I have learned a lot about recovery.
The first month without crystal was hell. I could not sit in a public place or go anywhere without feeling paranoid. I experienced homicidal thoughts and feelings. I obsessed about every little thing. I could not get my thoughts straight no matter how hard I tried.
The second month, I was able to go places with my mom, but was not able to venture out alone. I still couldn't shake the paranoia. My homicidal thoughts and feelings were growing stronger. Still obsessing, but recognizing it. Still very scatterbrained.
The third month I got involved with a recovery group. I had difficulty sitting in the group without freaking out, but was able to handle it. I felt everyone there was out to get me. My homicidal thoughts were beginning to be less frequent, and I began dealing with my anger. My obsessing was getting worse, it seemed that I couldn't control it. I was becoming more scatterbrained due to my obsessing. I couldn't get anything done unless I felt it was perfect.
The fourth month, I started feeling more comfortable with my recovery group and was able to go places alone. Only a few fleeting homicidal thoughts. My obsessing reached its peak, and I had to seek help.
The fifth month I was going regularly to recovery meetings and the haze was lifting. Still a few fleeting homicidal thoughts, and feelings of suicide began to surface. I was beginning to get a handle on my obsessions.
The sixth month I was beginning to feel normal. No homicidal thoughts, lots of anger though. Pondered suicide. Still getting a handle on my obsessions, but becoming more organized at work and home.
The seventh month I felt alive for the first time. I still had a lot of anger, and was very uncomfortable with myself, but I could face reality. Suicidal thoughts passed. Started sharing about my feelings. I was able to work on work and home projects efficiently.
The eighth month my body was really healing. I began anger management techniques and became able to control my reactions to my emotions. I was able to stay busy for long periods of time without losing my focus. Some obsessions began popping up again, but I was able to recognize them.
The ninth month I felt a void. Suicidal thoughts emerged and I lost all control of my emotions. I seriously thought about using again, but decided not to. I floated through this month, tired and sick in the mind.
The tenth month I began recognizing my maturity. The crystal did a lot of damage to my brain, so it was a miracle that I am now as well put together as I am. No more suicidal thoughts. I'm able to control most of my obsessions. I'm getting more and more organized. But my brain is still healing, so its a real challenge. Ive noticed severe memory loss, both short term and long term. Thats a new development. Hopefully I can salvage whats left of my crystal ridden brain and continue moving forward to month 11.
I don't recommend crystal or any other mind altering drug. It's not a 'spiritual' experience, or an amazing 'sex enhancer', it's death. Even though I'm still alive, I'm not really. What I had prior to my drug use is gone. Now I'm left with this empty shell of a brain, and some hope. Hope that I can still be a bright young person with a future. And by staying clean, I can.
