Fun... Ended Up in Suicide
Citation: XAngieX. "Fun... Ended Up in Suicide: experience with LSD, Cannabis & Alcohol (ID 25547)". Erowid.org. Oct 9, 2006. erowid.org/exp/25547
I have been a pretty big 'stoner' for about three years now. I had experienced some minor bad trips before, mostly in the form of delusional paranoia. When I first started smoking weed I always had great experiences, but after smoking heavily for an extended period of time the paranoia began to set in. I usually love the 'highs' I get from smoking weed; it makes me feel good, happy and comfortable with myself. I love when the smoke fills up my lungs and my mind goes somewhere else.
I'm from Colombia and I have to mention that it is pretty easy to get any kind of drugs down there. I was a really pot head for about a year and half, I used to smoke every single day after breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have also tried X, shrooms, acid and a bunch of Colombian herbs. I stopped doing any kind of drugs for a while, that was when my parents found out and put me into rehab and psychiatry sessions. (Which I think messed up my head even more).
When I got to the U.S. two years ago, I told myself that I was going to try to quit drugs but this idea didn't last very long until I met my friends (all pot heads, drug dealers and psychos).
Now the worst experience I had was on June 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 2003 a month ago. It was a Saturday night when we were all partying at G's apartment. M, E, RJ, G, me and C were tripping on acid and the others J, BB, B were just smoking. The hardest I have ever tripped was with 3 tabs last year but this time I took 1 and I was going insane. I took the first hit of blotter paper at 9:30pm and I shared the other one with C at 11:00pm. When I shared the last half hit the first hit was already kicking in and then we started to drink some orange juice.
RJ was our drug dealer and he used to get everything from N. (RJ's 'best friend', drug dealer, depressed guy, self-employed, 23 yrs. old) I've seen N maybe 4 or 5 times, we all have partied together and I've had maybe two conversations with him. So, back to Saturday night, we were all tripping, especially RJ and E they were tripping really hard. We were all taking Wild Turkey shots and smoking like crazy. By 3:00am I was on my 10th shot.
It was maybe 3:15 am and we decided to smoke another bowl in the living room. I started to feel really paranoid and because I was tripping and smoking since early in the afternoon my face and legs started to feel numb. I closed my eyes and laid on the floor, and then I had all these funny sensations. Funny pictures, they were all in beautiful colors. Greens and reds and yellows and they looked like Picasso's pictures. Doors opened up at triangular angles and there were all these colors' an unreal world. My head was going into crazy thoughts, I wanted to cry but I couldn't. We were listening to The Doors 'I can't see your face in my mind' (my favorite band and one of the best songs) but it lasted for ever, it felt like eternity, the same song over and over (this scene now comes up to my mind like flashbacks). I flew out of my own body and I could see myself in a way weirder than an out-of-body because I could see my body on the floor and I could see my soul floating above my body all from a different perspective.
Everything shifted into cartoon form and looked really fucked up. Everything became 2-D and flat. The part of me that was floating above my body changed form so it was in 2-D. One of its eyes became a spinning spiral while the other became a flickering eye, which shot occult symbols out (the symbols were constantly floating around the head). Then the soul's head began spinning. Finally the face stayed the same, and I realize that it was my best friend's face from Colombia and she was trying to hug me but she couldn't.
Then it became my 'soul's face' again and it jumped back into my body. After that all I could hear was Jim Morrison's voice going 'Insanity's horse adorns the sky, can't seem to find the right lie, carnival dogs consume the lines, can't see your face in my mind' over and over and over'I stood up and went to G's room and laid on the couch while G, C, E, M, D and RJ laid on the bed.
Suddenly the door opened and it was N, he was crying, nervous and shaking. He went to the room were we all were talking and laughing at ourselves. He slammed the door and started to freak out. 'I can't deal with this anymore, I can't handle this, I'm going nuts, my head it's all fucked up' etc This is when my trip turned absolutely crazy. I was in the couch and I was upside down, my feet were on the wall and my head was sort of tilted. I felt my eyes coming out of my face, I moved and then I sat normally. N started to yell at RJ 'you got to get up, you have to help me with this they went to the bathroom but the door was open so we all saw what was happening in the bathroom. N took a huge ass bag out of his pants, it was full of everything, little plastic bags full of weed, crack, pills it had everything and he gave it to RJ. 'Sell this for me; you're going to have to call a bunch of customers.' and he gave him the bag and a phonebook.
They got out of the bathroom and RJ was freaking out, N took out a gun and started to pointed at himself, he was crying 'I can't do this anymore, I'm way too fucked up, I want to die' RJ didn't know what to do and he tried to tell N to give him the gun so he could be killed by a professional killer. N was going crazy and he pointed the gun at everyone of us, screaming at each other and crying hysterically. At that moment I had a feeling that someone was sticking their high-heeled shoe into my hand. But I couldn't feel it. I moved my hand and they were wet (that's what I felt). I was seeing fire and N's face looked all blurred. I was freaking out. I tried to tell C what I was feeling but I couldn't manage to articulate my words enough to do so.
RJ and N were arguing for a while. I think it was 4:10 when they left. We all decided to smoke a blunt at 4:20am and play traffic lights (where you can't exhale until the blunt gets back to you)' I went to sleep at 4:45am I had to sleep on the floor, I was still tripping really hard and I felt really uncomfortable on the floor so I started to think that I was sleeping on a cloud, it felt so good and nice, I wasn't cold or hot, I wasn't happy or sad, I wasn't here or dreaming, when all of the sudden I began to cry, I was bowling my eyes so hard that I had to go and wake C up.
I hugged her and told her how bad I felt for this kid N. We were sitting on the closet in front of G's bed we were crying so hard that he woke up and gave us a hug and something to drink. We fell asleep probably at 5:30am. I had the weirdest dream ever. I woke up at 11:00am on Sunday and G was crying in the bathroom. Everyone woke up, RJ never got back. We didn't know what had happened the night before until M told us that N killed himself. It was sad, crazy and unbelievable.
D, B, J, C and me went to Denny's to get something to eat. When we got back to G's apt. the police was waiting for us. I was so scared because I'm 17 yrs old, my mom didn't know what I was doing that night and if the police would've found any kind of drugs in G's apt. they would definitely send me back to Colombia and messed up my residence papers. They took us and asked us a bunch of questions individually. Nick (N) committed suicide on June 22nd while he was on acid, crack, xanax, alcohol and weed. Rich Bonet (RJ) saw him shoot himself. The police found the gun in the pond because RJ panicked and threw it in the lake.
That whole entire week (June 21-June27) was the craziest and fucked up week I have ever had in my short life. Now every time we smoke a blunt, joint, bong or we take a shot we do it in memory of Nick. We all went to the memorial which was pretty sad. All that I can remember now is his face when I was in the couch upside down. I could see really weird shit. Like the bullet from the gun penetrating my brain and blood all over. I saw everything and everyone in cartoon form. When we were smoking our last bowl at 4:20 I felt how the smoke intensely filled up my lungs. I remember every single detail. I have also had flashbacks, trails, and mild ego dissolutions since then, that was the last time I tripped.
RJ left and E became our new drug. G got kicked out from his apt. and he's now living with at E's house. The rest of us keep smoking and trying to live.
I sincerely hope this will help somebody in some way. Know yourself and your environment. Don't do too much shit! Enjoy life and be happy or die trying.
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