Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Prophessor Plum. "Any Dose can Be High Dose for Newbie: experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (ID 20188)". Erowid.org. Aug 23, 2005. erowid.org/exp/20188
Yesterday I took my first cubensis journey. What I have to report, as a mushroom virgin, was a High Dose trip as my very first experience with psychedelics. As profound and life-altering as it was, it was also way more than I bargained for. Before I go into details, I just want to emphasize to new people that if they are new to the experience, and if they are growing cubensis using fanaticus tek and harvesting pre-cap shrooms, they should probably consider dosing first at 1 gram or less to gauge their threshold levels. If I had not had the life experience and occult training I had when this happened, I could have emerged out of it a wreck and had a very aversive reaction and sworn off shrooms for good.
So now the details . . .
I have been growing my own Cubensis mushrooms using the Fanaticus tek. So far I have harvested about an ounce, harvesting all shrooms in pre-cap state and dehydrating at about 45 degrees Fahrenheit. I had absolutely no psychelic experiences before this. I am in my late thirties.
Setting: I am occult trained in meditation, some Buddhism, and some Rosicrucian (AMORC 9th degree) occult psychic training. My girlfriend, also a trained occultist, trip sat me (she was sober through the whole thing). I ate a very light breakfast and lunch with some juice. This started on a Saturday around 5 p.m. The entire experience took place in our bedroom on our bed. I dressed in loosely fitted comfortable sweat clothes. I preceded taking the shrooms by about half an hour of meditation, meditative vowel sounds. Incense was lit. During the entire experience I was wearing eyeshades which gave me complete darkness. I also had several hours of ambient (mostly Steve Roach and Vidna Obmana) music queued up on the stereo, which I intermittently listened to.
Reading online, I thought I had conservatively dosed myself at 2.1 grams of dehydrated mushroom. I ground it up in a coffee grinder and washed it down with cranberry juice. I did not take any other substances including pot prior to this.
Initial energy gathered around 10 minutes after taking the cranberry juice. It was full on in fifteen minutes. I was flat on my back by that point and stayed that way for four hours. Energy kept growing and passing through my chakras. At some point around a half hour in, I could no longer handle the energy on my own and asked for help from the Higher Self.
At some point around then, a multi-phase being or composite entity started somehow occupying my mind space. I was aware of multiple entities, human, who alternately 'became' me and somehow occupied my body/mind space. I sensed they were helping me. The most recognizable personality appeared to be an old man, a Hasidic Jew with cabalistic training. Was it a living man, a disincarnate entity, a past life personality, or something else? I have no idea but I am thankful for his help. He spoke through me occasionally and seemed to enjoy aspects of the experience.
At some point I started to be drawn toward what I can only call the Terrible Face of God. It was Eternity, the dark void. Maybe it is what the occultists call the Abyss. Every time I went into the Abyss I wondered how I could live through this Power. The Power is impartial and not comforting at all. It is not the beautiful peaceful place the New Agers frequently seem to suggest. It is Ultimate Foundation, and it cares not about human beings. I felt like a bug in its presence.
I kept being pulled into the Eternal Void. One part of me was still rational and said that this would only go on a few hours. I knew if I fought it, it would be worse, and though it seemed it would destroy my ego to be so close to the Terrible Light, I had no choice. I repeatedly experienced Ego Death. It seemed impossible that my body could live through this. Repeatedly, however, I came back and was reasured by my girlfriend that my body was still intact on this plane. I had to accept the repeated dissolution of self. When I fell into the Eternal, the bliss was indescribable and glorious.
I experienced feelings of Unlimited Compassion and Joy that can not be expressed in language. There are many other things I 'experienced' or Became that cannot be expressed in words. During the experience I intermittently laughed and cried. I was sobbing because of the Terrible Majesty and how small and helpless we are in its presence. It is both Terrible and Joyful to know of it.
What was bad was that I had no sense I could bring the experience to a conclusion. I had absolutely no control. Seeing the Infinite once could have been managable. But I was drawn into the fire again and again. I chanted frequently and my girlfriend taped the chants. The chants appear to be in several languages. She said the chants could be heard everywhere in the house I was so loud. My sense was that the other entities were in control of my body when much of this occurred. I experienced the chants as geometric forms of some kind. The sounds reverberated deeply and appeared to stretch to Infinity and to contain great Power. I made many hand gestures which appeared to channel the energy somehow. When the music was on, I became the music. The music frequently stopped on a single note. I experienced frequent time dilation and sense of the Eternal Now. At different times I became the music.
I think I finally understand the meaning of Logos at some level.
My body moved constantly as I dealt with the onslaught of energies. Most of the energy was pouring out of my Heart Chakra. It felt like a spotlight blazing out of my chest. My girlfriend said that I quieted down about an hour after taking the shrooms. I was breathing quietly but my perception was that I had moved into some kind of deeper realm where I was still dealing with the Terrible Light and the Void. Unlimited time seemed to pass when I was there.
Besides the human entities who were helping me, I got the sense of some kind of insectoid alien intelligence who was trying to Assume me and communicate through me. This was disturbing but I got no sense of malevolence. I had to accept the transmutation of my body to an insect-like form.
Space at deeper levels seems very tangled and wormlike, both geometrical and organic. I felt I might be experiencing base levels of consciousness when I sensed this.
I began to come back to my body about 3.5 hours after taking the shrooms. I gradually learned again how my body works. The other personalities continued to speak through me and talk to my girlfriend for a time. Space was very distorted at first, after taking off the eyeshades, but within a half hour I was able to walk around and eat something. My girlfriend helped me to understand concepts such as time and structured my activities for a while until I began to remember again how to do 'normal' things. I processed the experience by talking alot with my girlfriend, but was pretty shaken up though also excited and happy about the revelations. I was able to sleep around midnight, though I did not sleep well. I have had intermittent headaches the whole next day.
My conclusion is: don't dose yourself at 2 grams or more the first time! Work yourself up from a gram or less. I don't think people without occult or meditative training of some kind could handle a High Dose experience. I will continue to work with my Cubensis friend, but I could easily have been turned off this path for good by this 'challenging' experience of Ego Death. I will be lowering the dosage next time to see what one gram is like.
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