Citation: Robin. "Oneness: experience with 5-MeO-DMT (ID 14482)". Erowid.org. May 6, 2002. erowid.org/exp/14482
When my apostle gave me some research and personal experience papers on oneness, I did not know what to make of it. I am 47 with some major health problems. I was born with a birth defect called AVM. That is a vessel defect in the brain. It looked like a bowl of spegetti in the side of my brain that houses vision, memory, speech, and motor skills for the right side of my body. I had a stroke when I was 27. One of the weak vessels in the bowl broke. I had a major bleed in my brain. I had to relearn a lot of skills like reading and writing. I never developed the large dictionary I carried in my brain before the stroke, so my speech and spelling are at a low level. So please forgive my writing skills and expression. I had brain surgery to remove the AVM after having a grand mall seizure, so I am on Dilantin. I am also a cancer patient. I lost both breasts and went through chemo. I now have silicone implants and am still on Tomoxiphin. I was worried that with all the meds I am on it would have ill effects. I do smoke my share of pot, but really did not do a whole lot of wild drugs as a youth. I was abused physically and mentally as a child. More mental stuff as an adult. The only thing that kept me sane was the control I have over my brain. I could do out of body since very young. I was shocked when I learned others did not have or develop this skill. I have always been close to the Great Spirit as my father and grandfather taught me. Oneness with nature has always been my escape. I also have an extreme oneness with animals, perhaps since they were my only close friends as a child.
My apostle came to my house and helped to set up a very homey and relaxing environment. My daughter was in attendance but was visibly scared for me. She has seen me go through a lot of stuff, and her fear was tangible in the room. I chose to listen to Douglas Spotted Eagle, one of my favorite native artists. Candles glowed in the room, and my dog was close to me. I did it in the PM. I had had nothing to eat since the day before. My apostle said kind weed and a coke was definitely in order. I smoked about 4 bowls of top-notch fruity kind weed and a coke with ice. My apostle then measured very carefully an amount of white crystal powder and loaded it in a glass tubular pipe. He heated the contents and I quickly sucked it in. I personally did not care for the taste, but the effects were immediate.
The initial force of being thrust out of body was much more intense than I am used to. I am used to being in control, but at that moment I so was not. I have experienced death 3 times before, so I knew that was the way I was headed. The tunnel was like being on an out of control roller costar with the lights on after dark. The lights go by so fast, it took me a second to realize they were stars. I also felt I was passing expired beings from my home, earth, which seemed asleep in the void of the universe. I could feel their energy, but they seemed just to be snoozing, as if waiting for something in the universe to hit a certain point. When the moment was right, to wake up and something will happen right then. It seemed a lot longer journey than I am used to. My apostle told me to remember to breathe and just let it happen before I took the journey, and Douglas Spotted Eagle was playing Breathe at just the right moments. I was taking long big breaths while riding that out of control roller coaster with the stars going by oh so quickly when all of a sudden I was there. I met Great Spirit, I was in the energy of his presence. For the first time in my life I felt real love. It was so intense all I could say at that point of my journey was thank-you. Great Spirit's light, or energy reminded me somewhat of a strobe light, my brain felt as if it was shorting at His pulse, like little pokes you get when you rub your shoes on carpet and touch a contact. During the blinking I knew I had one foot on mother earth and the other in the vastness of the loving universe. The love was so intense I could clearly see why someone would not want to leave His presence.
All the things on mother earth seemed distorted somehow, but mother earth herself was entirely beautiful, stable, real, and unchanged by our ways. Mother will not miss us when we are gone!!!! Her beautiful blues, greens, and whites will last far longer than us. His color was a blinding pure white inside with a surrounding purple, like the colors you see when you put your hand on one of those glass balls with lightning in it, and it goes to your hand. I felt as one with all the universal energy. As if plugged in. As if I was an electrical cord plugged in with all the universal energy. For the first time I felt a part instead of feeling totally alone, apart, separate.
For most of my life I have felt obligated to allow others to experience their sick motivations, a whipping boy, so to speak. This experience brought me to realize that my obligations to others in my life who are not helping me be my healthy and best self, whoever they may be, are over. At this part of my life, I am now going to do the things that make me happy, healthy and better as a human being instead of doing the things that other unenlightened people think are best for me or they think I have some obligation to. Guilt was always used as a weapon, and while I was there I realized that most of what I was forced to feel so guilty for was not that big a deal!!!! All the abuse somehow was reversed at that moment on my attackers. Their much-needed approval that I sought all my life was no longer needed. I have no desire to be like them, think like them, or look like them. I no longer feel I have to hide my native ways. I am not ashamed to say I have part native blood, and my cord to native ways is now fully attached. My cord to my very white mother and sister is no longer attached in any way.
For the first time in my life I feel free, happy, confidant, and yes, very loved. Not by the family who needs me to be the failure to make themselves look better, or feel above me, like I have always been the family idiot. But universal love. The kind that is unconditional. I am loved by Great Spirit always, no matter what mistakes I have made or will make. I am a human being. I am here to experience all matter of things, for I feel I am here to learn, experience, and grow. All this came as a flash. Being plugged into the universe is unplugging the TV and looking around at what is. The illusion of being taught to have an 'I' problem since youth is broken on this trip. We are not a singular being but a part of the whole. Thinking of yourself first above all other things is the biggest illusion of all time. Know that we, all of us, are a part of the whole. Not separate. Not alone. EVER! When the blinking slowed, I was zapped back to earth, but not in my living room. I was in the dessert or the plains, I don't know which. I was with my people. Ancient ones. They were glad to see me. We were dancing and singing. The sun was either rising or setting, I don't know which. The colors on mother earth were unbelievable. The drum was really loud and beat with rhythm and sureness. Then I realized it was my heart. It still beats with the ancient rhythm.
My daughter was freaked out by my behavior while I was on the intense part. After I started to come back I saw her for what she really is. She is all fear! Her poor little spirit is still locked on the illusion of self-importance. She looked all slumped over with the weight of all the illusions that is typical of earth. She has no idea how beautiful her spirit is, or how powerful she could be if she plugged in. Fear has such a hold on her. But she really knows how much I love her. She does not think I am a crackpot. She is one of the few people who knows who I really am. She knows I have unconditional love for her and she for me. I can't ask for more than that. The trip right now would not be for her. Most human beings (and I use that word lightly) are not ready to meet their true selves or their maker. I could see how if I struggled against the roller coaster ride it could have not gone as well. I attribute my fearlessness to the fact that I forced myself to overcome it when I was faced with death alone. My family turned their backs on me during chemo. I became a true human being at that point. I found my energy when I traveled out of body to plug in to the universe. Even though I had not really felt love given to me before, I could surly give it and make the person it was directed at to feel my love.
This experience taught me what love feels like. All the blockages I must have had through my being were suddenly gone. I now can hear my energy level and feel a flow of energy through me. Both through the top of my head down to my feet, and from side to side through my hands. I also find the dogs come to me to release bad energy from their bodies. It feels like static balls affixed to their aura. When I pet them the static balls stick to my hands and arms until I shake them off into the ground. The cats will stop me and want to have me hold them. They like to sleep with me in the room they are in. I now have a train whenever I go in the house. Dogs by their pecking order, then cats. I have also noticed they come to me when they do not feel well and my attempts to 'love it away' seem to work. I can almost read their every thought. I also can now see right through people. If intentions are good, I continue to let universal flow to continue. If intentions are bad, I block the flow.
Most people at that point will walk away, or correct themselves of a misdeed or lie. If a person has done something ill to me they usually do not like to be around me. I also have found that people who are members of a certain religion have formed an intense hatred for me. They do not like to get in or around my aura. They have me under a microscope most of the time. If I do anything out of the accepted behavior of their religion I am turned into Satan himself. Gossip and cruelty have no bounds at that point. Their behavior is like little kids in school. I feel bad because there is absolutely no growth in their lives. I vibrate at a different level now. I do not seem to be at my abusers level anymore-it has broken their hold on my soul. My new level seems to annoy some people--some people really like it. But I find I enjoy my daughters and my company the most. I also know I have to get away from the city. I need to be in a more natural environment to grow now. The city is a volcano of negative energy.
If you intend to do this drug, I think there should be a few things understood by the individual. Where your mind thinks you will go, you will go. If you think you are a bad person and you will go to hell, that is where you will go. If you know yourself and how the universe works your experience will be as positive as mine. I now look at life before oneness and after oneness. This was a life changing experience. Think very hard before doing this drug. I know seeing what you really are can be very scary. Out of body can also be very scary. My apostle came to me at just the right time in my life. I hope yours comes for you at just the right time. I inwardly knew that the time was right for me. If you have apprehension the time is probably wrong. But if you don't, welcome to the universe!!
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid.