I've had a love for pills since I was in the 5th grade. That was the solution, or rather the postponement of all my problems and depression. I was just an occasional user at first, no one does dope when they're 11, so I just stole diet pills and painkillers from my family members when I got the chance. I loved the way they felt, the world became beautiful and I felt love for people in a way I had never dreamed about. This occasional use continued until I was in the 8th grade.
It started out innocently enough, I asked a friend for some of his ritalin one day. I got that rush like I had gotten from phen-fen, but it wasn't as cold or empty. It was pure pleasure. So I took a few ritalin tablets a couple times a week for a while. I was hanging out with my good friend T, his brother and his brother's friends, who were seniors in highschool and this one guy who was a little older. I saw them snorting the ritalin I brought over and with reluctance at first tried it. It was so much quicker and much more intense than taking the pills orally. I started doing this everyday and my tolerance built up fast. I started snorting 9 or 10 pills at a time after that. I was very lucky, several of my friends were perscribed ritalin and they gave it to me for free. So I had a seemingly endless amount of it.
8th grade was one big stimulated party. I had all of these great friends and a great girlfriend who brought me a very fufilling sex life. Then I started falling back into my depression that still haunts me today. It was reset by that girlfriend who broke it off with me when I was out of control on many different chemicals. I forgot to say, I had been doing lots of different pharmecuticals, smoking pot and drinking considerably, but my love for ritalin eclipsed all other drugs at that time. When she broke up with me I went on a binge that lasted two more years with intensity and is still visible today. I got over her eventually, there have been many other girls since, that was like the match that started a forest fire. I started doing Adderall and dexidrine with alarming regularity.
Amphetamines make me feel like I'm invincible for a while, but after a few sleepless nights they make me a victim in every way conceivable. I experience horrifying hallucinations that aren't restricted to vision. I heard evil, I looked evil in the face, I felt evil crawling under my skin, I had become evil. It was paralyzing. I did horrible things to myself and other people with no apologies. I had become depraved. Self-inflicted scars from this time are still very visible all over my body. I didn't feel real at all, so I pushed the level of my psychosis to the limit as far as pain and inhumanity went. During this time I was in 9th grade and rediscovered drinking, and started doing coke, crank and oxycodone. But the amphetamines were always by my side, in my stomache or up my nose. I was found out by my parents and was sent to counseling 3 times a week once they discovered the extent of my problem. I was later diagnosed with a severe depressive disorder and borderline schizophrenia (I am currently on the maximum perscribed dosage of wellbutrin and 10 mgs of Zyprexa a day).
In the 10th grade I gave up on friends completely and spent all of my saved money on amphetamines from countless dealers and bored classmates. I put my parents through so much hell. I told my mom I would kill her if she touched me, even hugged me. I made her cry on a daily basis. It sent my dad into depression, he is now medicated too and we are doing so much better.
I still do pills sometimes, but limit myself. I smoke pot occasionally and drink quite a bit, but I'm content. I'm not hurting anyone or myself anymore and I found the medication combination that is right for me. I still feel guilty for all of the inhuman things I did to people and I fear I will carry that guilt for the rest of my life. Don't let speed get a hold of you, EVER. It is the most sinister drug out there and will turn you against everyone in the world, even those who love you; the ones you can't feel love for when your hooked.
